Flittery thoughts

I won't lie. This winter has been rough. Between the isolation and the cold my depression hasn't been managed completely this winter. Some days are rougher than others. Some days are wonderful. It's those wonderful days that I cherish. 

When I get down or when I have a lot on my mind I tend to write poems. I'm not the best poet but at least it clears my mind. I thought I would like to share one of those poems here. 


Flittery Thoughts

Oh, the things that go through my mind. 
Sometimes they make me crazy. 
Sometimes they keep me sane.

Little do I know what will pop up next. 
Flitter here and there, erupting without notice.
It's up to me to control them. 
Oh they wiggle and squirm, the play hide and seek 
Just to keep me from stopping them.

I need to enlist - 
One that is bigger, stronger and more focused than I. 

My God is bigger. 
My God is smarter. 
My God is more discerning. 

These wiggly, flittery thoughts run and hide till another day.
They are smart, they know whose boss. 
They know when the big guns are out.
 
I am weak but in His strength can I rely. 
That makes me smart too.

What depression has taught me

Depression can be a horrible thing. It can affect you in more ways than you can count. It affects those around you and those you have to interact with. If you are a stay at home mom it can be even worse. The crying for no reason, the lack of caring about life and friends and family, the lack of caring about anything can be bad enough individually but when added together they can be devastating. It is easy to say just do this or just do that and you'll feel better. My sister used to tell me to just smile more. HA! That is a laugh. When you are so sad that you wish life would end there is truly nothing to smile about.

After my oldest was born I had postpartum depression very badly for about 3-4 months. My sister was my strong hold during that time. She took care of my newborn while I sat and cried. Then the depression went away and I was happy once again. It was a horrible time. I never wanted to feel like that again. Then it came back, years later. I have been dealing with depression for almost 15 years now. I guess the signs were always there, even as a child, but it really showed it's true colors after I had a full hysterectomy to get rid of endometriosis. The endometriosis was taken care of but I did not expect the depression that followed. The desires to live life just disappeared. My love for life and love for friends dwindled. Sometimes it would get better and I would feel normal once again. The feeling would not last though. The depression always had this hold on me that I could not shake. It has become part of who I am and it is something I must deal with. I'm not surprised though. My family has struggled with depression as far back as I can remember. My mom was in and out of psychiatric hospitals since before I was born. Some of my sisters and brothers struggle with it also. So you see, I have experience. I wish I didn't though. I know God has a plan for it and I try to see His plan, even though I have no idea what it is.

Over the last 20 years I have found something things that depression has taught me. I would like to share that here. My hope and my prayer is that you would find some healing and some comfort from these words. I pray that you will put some of these things into action. I pray that you will find that depression can have a lighter grasp on you; or better yet, no grasp at all.

1 - Prayer - Talking to the One, True God has helped me. It helps me focus my mind on something else besides my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and distracting. Feelings are misleading and confusing. God clears my mind and helps me see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. He helps me see Him through the darkness. He has a purpose in my life and I cling to His purpose.

2 - God's Word - Reading Scriptures also is great for refocusing. Even better though, it is great for learning. When we learn something new we feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of revelation. In His Word we find His purpose for us. We find His guidance and His comfort. I live to find that. In Scriptures you can see how others have dealt with things not going well. You see how God dealt with them and dealt with the situations. Job is actually quite uplifting for me. It shows me how life can dump on you and by clinging to God life isn't so bad after all. Joseph is also a great person to read about. Life was harsh on him, for no reason of his own. God protected him through his life and blessed him greatly as the years went by. God blessed him because Joseph trusted in, leaned on, and found comfort in God.

3 - Do something. Move. Get up. Do not just sit there. When we move and do things our body creates chemicals that help us feel better. It also gives us something for our mind to think about instead of feeling crappy.

4 - Talk to people - I know it's the last thing you might want to do. It usually is for me. It is helpful though. I'm not talking about a counselor or talking about your feelings (by the way - remember they can be misleading). I'm talking about call a friend or text your neighbor - just to say hi or talk about the latest book or movie. Talk about anything! Just talk. It seriously does help.

5 - Take your meds - If you have meds take them as prescribed. If you are taking them and they are not working then talk to your doctor. DO NOT just stop talking them! I know that when I skip a day or two or three I can feel myself drifting further away. I can feel the sadness, the coldness, the aloneness reaching out and pulling me closer. It is not a good feeling.

6 - Find a hobby - If you are like me, a stay at home mom (or dad,) the quietness and time alone can be suffocating. You can only read so many books, do so many puzzles, watch so many shows. Find something that you like to do to pass the time. Scrapbooks, build models, start a blog, knit or crochet, volunteer, etc...

7 - Get an animal - Having something to take care of helps give you purpose. Sometimes, kids can be draining, especially if you are depressed. Having an animal (even a low maintenance ones like hamsters or birds) help because they create noise which livens things up, give you something to focus on and take care of, give you something to talk to even when no one answers their phone, and help you feel needed.

8 - Go outside - Sunlight is amazing! The sun's light helps our bodies make Vitamin D. It helps our sleep cycle and on sunny days, the brain produces more of the mood-lifting chemical serotonin than on darker days. Going outside also gives us a change of scenery therefore giving our brains something else to think about and focus on. (Combining #3 and #4 with this and you have a great mood lifter!).

9 - Go for a walk - outside - In out small town I have a lot of local places I can walk to. I hate walking with no purpose so having a store, a library, or a restaurant to go to gives me a reason to go outside. If you do not have anywhere to walk to set a time limit and get a book on tape or music to listen to while you walk. Walking does a number of things. Exercise, change of scenery, gets you out in the sun, takes away boredom, and gives you an opportunity to visit someplace or someone.

10 - Turn on the radio - Our local music station (www.Klove.com which I LOVE by the way) encourages people to listen to nothing but Christian music for 30 days as it helps uplift your spirit and increases positive outlooks on life. Listening to music that is harsh or dark or loud can actually help further those overwhelming feelings and worsen depression.

11 - Break the Monotony - Doing that same thing over and over again does not give your brain something new to think about. Break it up - change the way you do something - use your non-dominate hand to eat or cut your meat, do something backwards instead of the way you usually do it, if you walk daily take a different route - anything different helps.
Doing tedious things is very similar to monotony mentioned above... change it up if you can. If you can't, stop doing it for a bit to give your mind a break. 

12 - Sleep - Sometimes sleep is easily to get other times sleep is eludes us... Not sleeping makes things so much worse. It is vital that sleep happens. Sleep gives our brains time to rest and regroup. It helps our bodies calm down and re-energize. Waking up after a good night's sleep allows us to look at things from a new perspective. Oversleeping can do just the opposite and can worsen depression. I like to aim for a normal scheduled sleep pattern. Set an alarm if you have to. 8 hours is recommended.

I have listed quite a few things here and it can be overwhelming to think you have to all these things when you really do not feel like doing any of them. I know how that feels. Start small. Do one thing mentioned above today. Tomorrow do something different on the list. You do not have to do them all. I only mentioned them all because I have found over time that these have helped me the most.
NO MATTER WHAT - taking meds should not be an option. Take them. Every day. As prescribed.
If you do not have a prescription or do not have medical insurance medication can be too expensive to get. Try taking St. John's Wort. There have been studies done that shows the benefits of St. John's Wort with depression. I take it daily. It helps me. Talk to your doctor about taking it first.

Depression can be overwhelming and suffocation and horrible. It doesn't have to be. God doesn't want it to be. He is there to help you through this. He does more then hold your hand or give you a few kind words of comfort. He uplifts your spirit in ways I cannot even begin to describe. He gives you purpose and guidance and comfort and healing... In His Word there is so much to absorb and be a part of. It's not just a book to read. It's how He talks to us and by reading it we commune with Him.

Depression doesn't have to horrible. It can be a catalyst for better feelings if you make it, if you allow God to change it.

Thanks for reading.

Jesus' Birthday Cake

I saw this idea quite a number of years ago and fell in love with it! I hope you also enjoy it!

My Bridesmaid's Ribbon Cake or Cake Pull Adaptation

A new bride would place charms (attached to ribbons) in the cake. The single ladies at her wedding, or her bridesmaids, would  each pull a ribbon revealing a charm. The charms have symbolic means to them. I won't go into that here though. What I want to do is introduce to you an adaptation of this for Christmas. In all actuality you could adapt this for any occasion.

These are all cute ideas, for a wedding. How can we do this for Christmas though?

Instead of using charms I typed up Scripture references one year and another year I listed people that were involved or related to the birth of Christ; the shepherds, inn keeper, Mary, Joseph, etc...
As each person pulled out the paper (by pulling the ribbon it was attached to) we read the Scripture or discussed the character who was listed on that paper. In order to make sure the paper was not affected by the cake or frosting I covered it in tape prior to putting it into the cake. (You could also put it under the cake and have wax paper between the cake and the papers.)

After all the ribbons were pulled we enjoyed a delicious cake while listening to Christmas music. 

The kids loved being able to participate in learning more about the birth of Christ and not just sitting there listening to a story. It also helps refocus their attention away from receiving gifts and on the Saviour's birth instead.

I hope you liked our little Christmas cake idea. Even thought my boys are older I think we will revisit this idea this year.

I urge you, be that man.

The man I want you to become....

I dreamed of a man who would sweep me off my feet and make me feel special every day of my life. I dreamed of a man whom I could live my whole life with knowing I was secure in his love. Prince Charming comes to mind.

Instead I have a man who is so much more. Through dirty cloth-diapers washed by his hands, scrubbing vomit out of the carpets at 3 am, comforting children screaming from night terrors... through Asperger's, Moebius, allergies, meltdowns, hissy fits, fibromyalgia, depression and debilitating migraines... through surgeries, therapies, unending doctor appointments... I have a man who has thrived. He is so much more than Prince Charming. He is so much more than I ever dreamed.

Be that man. Be so much more.

Being a man does not come from your genes. It comes from commitment and love and selflessness. It comes from within.

Be that man. Commit to your marriage. Commit to your love. Commit to being selfless. Commit to your wife. Commit to your children.

Know that a man will hold a crying baby at 3 in the morning so his wife can rest. They will  bandage skinned knees, wipe tears away, hold the Kleenex for a booger-filled nose. A man will tell his sick wife (who hasn't showered all day and looks like she just got run over) how beautiful she is. A man will hold her close and tell her that he will make dinner tonight and put the kids to bed.

A real man will desire a woman who is modest in her clothing. He will know that true beauty is inside and that by her covering herself she is respecting the temple of God. He will not compare her to others because he knows that degrades her. He will show her his love through his actions, not just his words.

A real man will read Scriptures to his wife while she does the dishes. A man will help with those very same dishes. On days that the house is a mess and the wife is exhausted a real man will bring home KFC or take the kids to McDonald's. If money is tight, as it often is, that man will just make hot dogs and mac and cheese for the kids instead.

A man knows that in order to raise children who will become wonderful spouses he must first be one himself. If he ever desires his children to have healthy relationships he must model that for them.

He will show his wife he loves her in front of the kids. He will act out that love in his daily interactions. He will talk kindly about her to his children. His friends will know he loves her. His friends will know that through problems he will persevere.

A real man knows that family comes with messes, disagreements and chaos. A man won't mind that as he knows it's only temporary. He knows that anything worth keeping will require struggling through the messes, chaos and disagreements. He knows that struggling through will strengthen him and his family.

He knows putting God before all is what makes it all worth while. He knows that by leaning on the Savior he can stand tall.

So, my sons, I urge you, be that man.

Is homeschooling really a choice?

Homeschooling...

To some it's a choice. To some it's most certainly is not a choice at all. Some know right from the birth of their child that there is never really a choice IF they homeschool. To them it's a given that they will. To some, homeschooling may not even be a thought. The idea of not putting one's child in school is preposterous. Every child goes to school, right? I mean, who would want to have their child home all day, every day?

If children were homeschooled would they even listen to your instruction? How would you control them? How would they learn anything valuable? Wouldn't it badly affect their future? Would they ever be able to go to college or get a good job?

If you have special needs children there must be no way you could ever homeschool them, right? How would that work? They need so much help. There is no way you can provide all they nee, right?

If I homeschooled my children would they ever have friends? Would they graduate high school? How would that affect them emotionally? Socially? Academically?

To me, it never was a choice. I was certain I would homeschool my children for all of their educational years. My husband thought we would only homeschool until 3rd grade. We ended up homeschooling from 2000 until 2006 then again 2009 until the present. We did put our children in public school for a bit and it was clearly a mistake to me. My husband thinks it was a lesson learned for both ourselves and our children.

Anyhow, it was a time I regret. This post is not about that though. This post is about how any one can homeschool and how everyone should.

 You CAN homeschool. Anyone CAN homeschool. It only takes commitment. It requires nothing else.

Are you committed to your child's well being? Are you committed to helping them be a productive person in society? Are you committed to teaching them the ways of the Lord as the Bible describes? Then you MUST  homeschool. It's the only way to ensure that your child will be the best they can be and that you have done everything to help them be that person.

As a believer, follower and acceptor of Jesus Christ can you honestly say you are doing everything possible for your child and still put them in public school? I cannot. My thoughts are simple. I'll state them in bullet points for you. These are strictly from a Christian born again perspective.

1 - If I am to the be the guiding force in my child's life, leading them to God's righteousness and ultimately to His gift of salvation, how can I do that while sending them away 8 hours a day?

2 - God instructs us to train up our children in the way of the Lord. How can I do that if I have no control over them for 8 hours a day?

3 - What influences are coming into my child's mind?

4 - Who are his friends and what are they talking about, watching, doing? How much of the world is being pressed on my child by his or her peers?

5 - What is the teacher teaching? What books are being read in class? What is being discussed and from what perspective?

6 - How much of what is influencing my child is pushing God out of the picture?

If I were to come from a non Christian perspective I might think things like how best might my child learn? Are they falling through the cracks of academic success? Might they learn better if they learn at their own pace? Might they be able to explore academic areas beyond those in the school? Or be able to delve more deeply into areas of interest? Is my child being held back; socially, academically, emotionally?

What can I do about those things? How best can I help my child be the person they are destined to be? How can I help my child be best they can be?

Homeschooling isn't seclusion. It isn't socially inept children. It is not public schooling at home. It is so much more!

It is about learning and loving to learn. It is about exploring and creating and broadening our horizons. It's about bringing the world in and learning about all it's facets. Using moments to teach not just text books. It's about living life.

I encourage every parent to homeschool. I encourage every parent to at least explore the idea - mull it over, process it, delve into the idea... see what it's outcome might be. Consider it before jumping to a conclusion that it's only right wing radical's who homeschool.Just don't, please don't dismiss it before considering it. Your child's life is at stake.

The rantings of an extrovert living with introverts

I say this is the rantings of... because I feel like I am ranting. I'm not meaning to so please bear with me.

I am extrovert. I like people. I like being around people; hearing their conversations, seeing their activities, watching and participating in their lives being lived. In my house I see little of that.

My children are introverts. My husband is an introvert. That means that most of the time during the day it is fairly quiet around here. If a project is being worked on they are focused - which keeps them quiet. The boys are either in their room or on the play station or computer. Daniel also works on his school work independently and Adam goes for hour long walks. All that leaves little conversation with me, actually aside from playing the PS3 it leaves little conversation between them also. They are happy with that. They like the quiet from what I can tell.

I'm an extrovert. I'm not a person who reflects often. I'm not one to contemplate things. I'm a doer. I have learned to be a planner. I someone called me up right now and said "Hey, let's go somewhere." I would jump up and say I'll meet you there! IF I had a car. Which I don't. And no one calls me. So that doesn't happen. What does happen is quietness.

How do I cope? Some days I get depressed, withdrawn and quiet. I get bored... I sleep, I watch tv, I eat, I stay bored - some days. Boredom is the enemy for me. I have to get creative. I have to keep busy.

Some days I find things to keep me busy. I clean, I cook, I scrapbook. But I can't do those things all the time. Cooking only goes so far when no one eats as much as I make. It ends up just wasting food. Not a good thing. Cleaning can only be done for so long before it's all done. Scrapbooking is a great activity for me. I love doing it. It keeps my mind occupied and active. However, now that we have the tree up for Christmas I have no room to scrapbook. It will have to wait until January.

In warm weather I walk. I go to the library. I visit my neighbor when she is home. I sit outside and watch the activity of others.

For now I just have to think. I have to get creative in how to keep my mind sane. I will do it and spring will be here soon. Then I can be more active. I can find more things to keep me busy.

Disclaimer: I'm not looking for suggestions or for anyone to "solve" my issue. I'm not looking for pity. I'm only sharing this to get it off my chest.

Pain that causes agony

This year.... it certainly has been rough. In July I had a car accident. It changed everything. I thought at first I was healing and recovering so nicely. I thought "Oh, I got this covered. I'm going to be back to normal really soon. It is not going to take me 6 - 12 months to heal...." Well, that was a delusion. The bumps and bruises went away fairly quickly. The aches and pains have not yet. That has made this past year a rough year. I thought I was used to living in pain. I have fibromyalgia. I have had it since I was 7. I have had broken bones, sprains, strains, pulled ligaments and tendons... you name it. I have had daily pain, daily migraines for a long time. I thought I can deal with this. I am having a hard time though. My muscles are so tight I can stretch out my leg without wincing and limping. Knots make it seem like I am leaning on rocks. Migraines are a common occurrence again. It's hard to drive, hard to sit and hard to stand - some times. Not all the time. Some days are far worse than others... Some days I feel as if I am perfectly normal. I live for those days.

Pain can take over your mind. It makes you think things you never wished a person would think. In fact you would wish no one EVER thought such things! Thankfully I have not gone down that path. Thoughts do cross my mind but never hurting myself in any fashion. Never suicide. Thankfully. Some do though. Some do.

That makes me think about others who suffer so. I do not wonder how people can think of suicide as a way out anymore. Some days, anything to end the pain might sound nice. It's not something anyone actually thinks will be best but pain clouds the mind. It clouds perception.

There is physical pain and emotional pain... I wonder which is worse. I wonder which is more devastating.

Emotional pain can seem so much worse... it brings with it despair, loneliness, lack of worth... it brings with it a degrading quality. It feeds upon itself. What is one to do? Physical pain can be bad enough. Emotional pain is worse I think. When you combine both you get a possibly lethal combination.

I praise the Lord daily that both my physical and emotional pains have been kept at bay enough not to lead me down a destructive path. I praise the Lord daily that He has given me the blessing of a wonderful family; a husband who loves me and will do anything to help me and children who are attentive and caring and helpful not to mention loving. It's on my worst day they make it possible to continue.

I pray for those who feel they are not blessed because they can no longer see the blessings around them. Their eyes are clouded with agony, with loneliness, with emotional devastation. My heart goes out to them. I pray for them. May they know that there is one who does not know them but prays for them. One that cares for them. One that wishes they would seek the Father above for comfort. Only in HIS comfort do we find strength!

That is what gives me strength. Some days I do not want to get up. Some days I do not want to teach, to clean, or to do anything productive. But it's those days that God shows me how much He loves me. He blesses me with loved ones and family. He wraps His arms around me ad holds me tight, never letting go. He brings me comfort and peace like nothing else on Earth can!

As I write this I know it sounds like I am depressed today. That is far from the truth. Oh, I have been in the past. I have been so badly that I wanted nothing in life, not even my newborn child. I have been so badly depressed I wish life would just cease to be. It's in those times that I needed to reach to the Father and grasp His loving hand that is reaching for me.

I pray that those who are depressed today might see this and that they might know there IS hope and His name is Jesus.

Life gets in the way, Procrastination & not following through -

So many things to blog about... where do I start?

Well, the creative process is as good a place as any, right? So there we shall start.

I'm a creative person but lack the time, space and energy for the projects I would love to work on. Who can forget I'm short on money for such projects too. It always seems that when a projects comes up that I want to do there is an equal amount of obstacles preventing me from doing said projects.

Somethings I would love to work on are my won scrapbooks. Right now I have 4 scrapbooks, not for me, that I need to get done. I have yet to start any of them. The easiest one is for little Egan. I made a scrapbook for him already but now I just have to put the pictures in it. First I need to receive pictures from his mom and dad... Once I get them finishing the book will be a breeze, if I could ever find the time to do so. Next I have Adam's graduation book. I cannot work on this one until after the graduation though as I will need pictures from it to complete the book. My friend has a scrapbook she started for her daughter. She lost interest in doing it so passed it on to me to work on. Again, I need to print the pictures to complete it. I have to find the time to go through her pictures to even know which ones to print. Lastly, I have to make a new scrapbook complete with pre-done pages. This is for a new mommy to be. She is due in November. Then to top it off I am planning on making some sort of wall art for another mommy to be.

That sounds like it is too much to handle in my life right now but in reality it's not IF I plan well enough. The key is sticking to the plan. That's my problem. That is my problem in almost every aspect of my life. I hate sticking to plans. I love to go with the flow. In this house that is not a very good option though. I wish it was. I miss going with the flow and not having a care in the world.

My life is a jumble of other little lives all mixed up. Adam's, Daniel's, Egan, Mike's, my siblings, extended family, church family, friends. The list goes on and on. Out side of people there are the list of things to do; church things, school things, house things, me things and my projects of course. How on earth do I get all this done without forgetting anything? LISTS LISTS LISTS and following them!

I am a list maker at heart. I write everything down. Multiple times. It's not writing them down that I get into trouble with. I have to follow the lists that I make. Usually I am good at that and can get most of my list done. Recently though, I have not been very good. It has taken me a long time to complete easy tasks only because those tasks are time consuming. That needs to stop.

What can I do? If you have this problem, what can you do? Make more then just an effort. Make it a priority. Set goals and time frames. Be determined. These are things I can do to help stop this progression of not following through... If you can think of more ideas leave them in the comments section.

Thanks for reading!

Sensory Kids

Special needs families.

Children with difficulties.

Understanding their needs.

Hi, this morning I have special needs families on my mind. Mine is a special needs family but I know it is not the normal type of special needs family. Is their a normal type? I'm not quite sure there is but anyhow, I thought I would describe some of our challenges.

Emotional misunderstandings... Have you ever thought you understood how someone else felt only to find you out you really didn't? Have you ever done something to someone only to find out later they felt hurt by what you did even though you were trying to help? My oldest has this issue... It used to happen a lot but now he has improved. He still has no clue about some emotions that others express. He has no clue (most of the time) about his own emotions nor how to express them.

Life can be confusing; especially for those who already have a problem understanding themselves. Someone recently asked what it means to be a "sensory kid". I thought I would take the time to elaborate on what sensory problems are and how they affect people, especially those who suffer from it. I recently posted this on muy facebook so you might have seen it already. If you have, I'm sorry. :o)


What does Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) or Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) look like?

When our brains receive too much or too little sensory input it tries to compensate for the lack of or too much input. This is referred as a sensory processing (or integration) disorder. It can do this by creating a need to touch everything (as a result of too little input) or to not wanting to be touched (as a result of too much input). It can lead to behavioral issues such as meltdowns, avoidance to stimuli, acting out, crying, hitting and more. This can be interrupted by those who do not understand the needs of the child as that child is acting out, being bad, disobeying or over reacting. When in reality the child is just not able to handle the amount of sensory input they are getting. By adjusting or adapting the environment for the child that child can then handle things much easier and is able to live a more normal life.

Both my sons, myself and my husband all have sensory processing issues; all to a different degree. When kids are young they have not learned how to work around their sensory issues. As adults most of us already have learned to cope so the problems are not apparent to those around us.

I do not always recommend changing the environment too much for the child (depending on the severity of the sensory issues) but rather teaching the child coping skills. I have always held the belief that the world will not change for people but rather will expect the person to change for the world. Of course this depends on the child and the environment.

I hope this has helped you understand it a little better.

The question of the day - ???

To blog or not to blog; that is the question.

Well, for a bit there I was blogging more frequently. Of course it wasn't on a daily basis or even weekly but it was often enough for me. Then I stopped. Blogger.com changed their format of their site. I didn't like the new changes. So, I stopped blogging. Life moves on and I got busy. Blogging became a thing of the past. I missed it though. That is where the question of the day comes in to play...

To blog or not to blog...

I like blogging. I like sharing my thoughts and my world with those who find it interesting. I like that I can open up my mind, my heart and my home to people who otherwise would never get to know me. I feel God has things in my life to further His glory. If I do not share then I am hindering the Holy Spirit's work in and through me. Maybe I am delusional, I don't know. lol All I do know is I like blogging.

I hope this means that you will see and read more blog posts from me.

I pray that God uses this blog to further His kingdom. How amazing would that be? For God to use something so trivial and insignificant as my blog to further His glorious kingdom? I am humbled and honored!


Please continue to read, share and comment.... I love to hear your input and your thoughts.

For now, well, I shall see you around the next bend and in the next blog.

Our home - school, fun, church, worship, armory, bank

How to describe our home... That is the question of the day.

I occasionally read other people's blogs about their lives, their homeschools, their hobbies. So I think to myself how would I describe our home? There is not one word that describes it.

In our home we are able to be who we want to be. We are able to explore and delve into the things we are interested by. We are able to worship the Lord in the way that makes our hearts leap with joy. We learn, teach, scream, cry, laugh, shoot, and create. In our home we are allowed to be ourselves.

Growing up I didn't have that experience. My parent's house was prim and proper most of the time. I was unique but more often then not I was unique when not at home. I didn't have friends over, I didn't get to watch or listen to things that interested me, I didn't get to make messes very often. Don't get me wrong, I loved my childhood years. I still think of them with a smile on my face and in my heart. I have such wonderfully fond memories of growing up in a foster home.

When not at home I listened to music everywhere I went. I watched cable tv at my friends' houses and when I babysat.School projects were done at friend's houses, hardly ever at home. My parents liked a clean house, a quiet and well respected home. There is nothing wrong with that. That is not how my house is though.

In my hosue my kids can make messes, and I make them right along side of them.
In my house the radio can be blared on occasion. My son listens to the radio (Christian stations only) full volume every time he gets a chance. Someone always has a project they are working on. Sometimes that entails sawdust and hand tools in my living room or clay in the bedroom. Sometimes it means scrapbook stuff is laid out in the bedroom or on the kitchen table. Conversations about the oddest things come out of no where. School stuff is rarely put away. Dishes are rarely ever completely done.

My house is not the cleanest, but it is lived in.
My house is rarely quiet, when it is I worry why.

We homeschool but we do not replicate school.
We search the internet, netflix, the woods, the craft cupboard for anything that stikes our interest.
We make things out of whatever we find.
We love nature shows, This Old House, cooking shows, Sons of Guns, How It Works. We love PBS.
We fish, catch bugs, snakes and other creepy animals.
We have had mice and gerbils, taken care of hamsters, snakes, birds and cats.  Our newts escaped and our hermit crabs killed each other.
We all have guns now. Some have pellet guns, some have airsoft guns and some have 22s. We all love to shoot. We all know how to handle and care for our weapons. We all are responsible.

Our school doesn't look like school. The kids are on the couch or in their room. We walk while doing spelling. We learn by talking and researching, not because we read it in a textbook. The librarians know us by name.

Now we have Egan. He's a year old now. We have watched him since he was 9 weeks old.
School. Home Economics. Child Care.

The boys know how to change diapers, make bottles, wipe up drool, feed him baby food and entertain him.
They are learning valuable lessons.
They are learning to be good fathers.
They are learning responsibility and accountability. 

All in all I can't really sit down and give a simple answer of how we homeschool. I can only say we live life; therefore school is accomplished. Yes, we use some books, but we use life experiences more.

We are who we are and are only confined by the limits of our imagination. We homeschool.

Thankful for 'But God' moments.

A time to reflect, a time to rejoice and a time to be thankful.

On facebook everyone is posting these thankful posts. Each day they are thankful for another thing. Don't get me wrong. I love reading how everyone is so thankful for things. I am especially thankful this year as we have been though a few ups and downs since last Thanksgiving, but through it all God has seen to bless us more abundantly.

I want others to know jut how thankful I am but I did not want to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else. Why is that people become thankful at Thanksgiving? Why not in April or in August? Why are people religious in December but not in March? Why do people love the outdoors in the fall but complain about it immensely in January?

I find people fascinating and perplexing all at the same time. Take my own guys, Mike (my hubby) my sons Adam (17 yrs) & Daniel (15 yrs). They confuse me all the time. They are fickle with their thoughts and their desires. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, just observing, I'm sure they could say a lot worse about me! lol They each are so much alike yet so different. Why is that? They all like air-soft, bad B movies, MythBusters and Sons of Guns.

Yet, Adam likes to hibernate in his room for hours. He plays bionicles, works on his air-soft guns, or just sits in the dark, all while listening to praise music on the radio. Daniel can play PlayStation, watch videos on YouTube, or play games with his dad for hours. Mike goes from one thing to to the next. He always has a project brewing or being worked on. He can't sit still for long stretches and gets bored easily with tv and the computer... They all are so much alike but each has their own personality.

I know I'm babbling and I'm sorry. I am thankful for each of my guys. In their own way each of them bless me more then I could have ever imagined. Adam is helpful and attentive to my physical needs, Daniel is helpful and there when I need someone to talk to, Mike is attentive to my emotional needs and is always there to help me solve a situation that I find perplexing.

After 18 years of marriage and years of raising these two boys, I have learned one thing very well. I, in no way shape or form, deserve such a wonderful family.I do not deserve, by any stretch of the imagination, the love God has bestowed upon me and my family. I have done nothing that could come close to deserving it. I am irritable, moody, ungrateful to the help and love my family gives me, selfish more then I care to admit and lain bossy...

I am a sinner though. I admit that. In every microscopic spec of my being I am full of sin. BUT GOD... Now that little two word phrase is awe inspiring to me...

Over this past summer our family went to the Rochester Youth Conference at NorthGate Bible Chapel in Greece, NY. A long time friend of ours was doing the main teaching of this youth conference. His focus was But God. In all His Glory and all His Holiness He loves us. He loves us despite ourselves. Despite what we do, what we get ourselves into and how we keep digging ourselves in deeper and deeper pits of sin... But God... when all else fails and all else seems to have failed us God is still there. IF I have learned anything this past year it is that no matter how horrible life gets, no matter how horrible I have gotten,no matter how bleak life looks God is always there. ALWAYS... A L W A Y S... not sometimes, not occasionally, not most of the time... Always...

Despite ourselves God loves...
Despite the cruelness in the world God loves...
Despite our lack of love for Him God loves...
Despite our failures God loves...


God doesn't love some. He doesn't love those who love Him. He doesn't love just the people who are faithful to Him. He loves ALL... for that I am thankful. Are you?


If you are interested in listening to the Rochester Youth Conference teachings (a 5 part series) here is the link to get them. If you clock on the photo it will launch a window with the links for the teachings.

http://www.northgatebiblechapel.com/#/messages/special-messages

procrastination and cliches...

Life...

Life is what you make of it they say. The thing is who are they? Have you ever wondered that? I know I have. So many sayings in life are cliches but do we really know where they come from? I wonder sometimes but when I finally get to the computer to look them up three things happen. One, I either have lost interest and no don't care, two - I have other things on my mind and don't remember to look them up or three I'm just to tired to do so. Instead I usually do email, facebook or sort through my thousands of pictures stored on my computer.

Have you ever found yourself saying "Hey I gotta look that up." only to find yourself forgetting to do so? I have done that more times then I can count. That's another thing. Why would I phrase it that way? I'm sure I can count pretty high and I know I haven't probably not done it more times then I can actually count, but there it is, I said just that. I find it funny how we use words so carelessly without thought.

I started out this blog tonight with nothing on my mind but a desire to write. I have been so busy lately that writing has taken a huge step to the back, along with a lot of other things - like painting. Yup, you heard (or read) me right, painting... No not artistic painting with an easel and canvases but rather walls and paint rollers. Yup, I'm supposed to be painting my apartment. It's not that big but when I have no help it seems like a mansion. I have two bedrooms, one bath, a living room, a small dining room and a galley kitchen. It should not take that long for me to paint. I can tell you it's taking me so long because I am a procrastinator. I know that part of me is hoping that my husband will offer to help me but I know he won't. the kids, well, they are lazy. they will help me paint if I tell them they have to and I prepare all the stuff for them. They are ok at the actually painting but not great. I have had a few others help but again, not great. I end up not wanting to paint at all. I need to get it done though so I must persevere and stop procrastinating.

Another thing I have procrastinated with is my weight loss goals. Right now I am 160. I am only 5'1" so 160 is overweight. I don't like it. I guess it doesn't bother me as much as it should because I'm not doing much about it. I try for a bit and usually loose a little bit of weight. Then I seem to fall back into my old habits again. It's much easier to do the same thing that I did before even though I know it's not healthy for me to do so. I get determined for a few weeks then I loose interests, or I forget, or I just decide I don't care anymore.I don't want it that way though. I need to lose weight and I'm determined that more matter how many times I "fall off the wagon" I will get right back on and continue this journey. The frustrating part for me is I keep falling off the wagon. I have lost some weight before only to gain it right back because I do not stick with it long enough. I lost almost 18lbs a short time ago. I gained back 13 lbs of it though. I know what I have to do. I need to make myself stay "on the wagon" this time.

I'm sure there are many other things in my life that I am not very structured at getting done and that I procrastinate at. That is never my intent but it is a sinful way of living. How can that be sinful??? God has asked me to be all the best I can be and do all I can do for the Glory of the Lord.

Colossians 3:23-24

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.

If I procrastinate in following through with what I say I will do (painting) then I am not reliable in my word. My word holds no meaning then. That is not Godly. It is not being faithful to what I say I would do. My yes is not longer a yes. If I do not treat my body as the temple of God that the Scriptures say it is then I am not only disrespecting myself and my physical form I am also disrespecting God the Father and the Holy Spirit that dwells in me.


So as I close this blog for today I vow to keep to my word and treat God with due respect for only He has earned it. Painting will be done and I will continue to lose weight. My word has to have meaning for if it doesn't then how can anyone trust my witness for Christ? I leave you no doubt that my word has meaning and is reliable. :o)

Looking for help and toning it down.

Today is 9-11-12. Eleven years ago on 9-11-01 the world came to a halt... Everyone was glued to their tv or radio or phone. Everyone wanted to know what was going on and what was going to happen. Everyone was in shock.

Eleven years ago the world stopped... planes were banned from the skies... people were fearful of going outside. Eleven years ago the towers came down... planes shattered the fabric of our nations... people fled to God.

That was eleven years ago. Now people are running from God. They are running into a nightmare. On 9-11-12 things are drastically different then they used to be. When my parents were kids people were different. I never thought I would see such a change in people in my short life. Eleven years does make a difference. I have seen people turn towards the government for help when the government truly hasn't been able to fix anything in the past...

All these people looking for guidance from their government - where their really is none that is wholesome and true. It is a falsehood that people have been led into believing that the government has our best interests at heart and that it can help make things better... It confuses me... makes me sad... breaks my heart and crushes my soul...

Eleven years ago people did say why did God let this happen? No one was willing to see that through all our ignorance and our refusal to follow God bad things happen...

March 20, 2003 the US waged war on Iraq. We were searching for weapons of mass destruction but found none at the time. Saddam Hussein was eventually executed. People asked how could God all allow this man into power?

Decemeber 26, 2004 an 9.0 Earthquake and Tsunami slammed into the coastline of 11 countries, devastating the area. The world stopped to help those hit the worst.

August 23, 2005 - Hurricane Katrina devastated the US... People asked how God could allow this to happen to our great nation. People didn't like the answer many Christians gave. God is trying to wake up this country.

People wanted change so in 2008 Obama was elected President of the United States. Well, Americans, we received change and plenty of it.We have handed over to the government our freedoms in order to "allow" it to "protect" us.

•  Today the U.S. Debt = $15.5 trillion
• The U.S. debt is up 54% under President Obama in just over three years
• Unemployment has gone up
• Christian values have gone out the window

Recessions, natural disaster, increasing inflation and debt, increasing killing sprees, and so much more... Through it all man has asked Where is God? What God would allow this to happen? Why has God done this to us?

We have no right to ask any of those questions. We have taken God out of the equation. We have removed Him from our homes, our schools, our government. We have even removed Him from ourselves... What right do we have to ask why?

Think of it this way. My best friend is Jennifer. I have know her for more then 16 years. We have been best friends almost from the start. We talk often, we have seen (and helped) each other raise each our kids. We have camped, partied, laughed and cried with each other. We are very close... If one day I decided I didn't need Jennifer around as much so I just stopped sharing my life with her as often. Over the next year we would get further apart and then one day probably stop talking regularly. She might call me and ask how have you been? Want to hang out again? I would say no thank you, I'm busy... If she asked another time, and then another  time I might tell her that we've grown apart. We have different values and perspectives now. I don't need her as my friend anymore... We would stop talking to each other. If she tried to influence my life I might get annoyed and tell her not to..

Would I have a right to call Jen up one day after my son got hurt and blame her for it??? Would I have a right to tell Jen she is the reason my husband lost his job? Could I yell at her when my kids no longer know who she is? If an earthquake destroyed my home? If it rained?

NO!! NO!! NO!! I would have no such right!

BUT we have done just that to God.

We have removed God from our schools; kids can no longer gather for prayer meetings on public school grounds, Judges cannot have the Ten Commandments hanging in their courtrooms, one cannot pray before a commencement address. We have told our kids they are descendants of apes, that we are all from the primordial ooze. We tell our kids it's ok if you don't succeed - it's just great that you you played the game or that you tried or that you thought of it. We tell our kids we won't flunk them if they do not pass the subject. They tried and that is what is important. We don't want them to feel bad about themselves...

We do not hold our kids to a higher standard. We do not hold them accountable for their actions. We talk to them when they do wrong or we say it's just a phase. We do not punish let alone spank our children because it might hinder their creative spirits.

We remove God from all that we do, all that we say and all that we teach our children. Then we ask God why??? Why are all these bad things happening? I just do not understand where people think they have the right to ask why.

One day we will be judged. One day we will find out just how wrong we have been.

God allowed all that has happened to get us to search for Him again. He allowed us to come to harm so we will ask for healing, to seek His Wisdom, to search for understanding. But we still do not. We just shout and cry and get angry...

It saddens me deeply. It makes me cry. It makes me angry at people for telling me to tone down my beliefs. I have seen what toning down our beliefs has done to our country, to my fellow American, to my fellow Christian. Why then, would I want to tone it down?

I ask that you respect my beliefs and my right (and freedom) to share those same beliefs. I'm not telling you to agree. I'm not mad at you for choosing not to agree. I'm not telling you that you cannot share you own beliefs. I respect your right to do so. Please respect mine.

My thoughts on life & marraige

Ok, so this is the first time I have been on blogger for quite some time. I have been quite busy and not up to blogging. But anyhow, I'm here now, so all is good! I open up my blog tonight and find that it has changed. I can't say I like it either! I actually hate the way it looks. Maybe I have to fiddle with it and change some settings but I think it is a horrible change. It certainly seems way to bland!

Ok, so I have thought about blogging about a few things but couldn't find the right words to say so I have kept quite. I have decided to sun up my thoughts tonight. Here  they are in no particular order.

1) Cherish those around you. Both my parents have passed on recently. My mom in Jan and my dad in March. They were my "foster parents", but really they were my parents. They raised me for 14 years in their home. They treated me and loved me just as if I was their own. I miss them. I miss them a lot. I wish I had a closer relationship with them before they passed. It was not a bad relationship, just one from a distance. I regret that but I can't go back and change it. I chose not to lie in the past but to move forward. Both my parents were saved so I know I will see them one day again. I look forward to that moment.

2) Cherish your marriage. Mike , my husband of 18 years, and I have been having a bit of marriage trouble. Oh, it's not that bad. Saying it out loud makes it sound so much worse. But then again, any trouble in a marriage is marriage trouble. None of it is welcome nor wanted.
Over 18 years of marriage we only argue about two things really. Both can be my fault at times. Sometimes they are his fault. It always takes two to tango and two to argue as my mom used to say. It is never one person's fault. So anyhow, How I have added to the arguments is by being insecure. I have always had that issue to deal with. Every woman wants her husband to fight for her. She wants him to be the knight in shining armor. She wants him to show his love for her through violence if it comes to that. She wants to know that no matter what he will fight for her protection. Well, my Mike, he's not like that. He hates conflict. He hates arguments. He wants everything and everyone to be at peace. He is a genuine peacemaker. (Well, that is where his fault comes in but I'm not discussing that.)
I am not a peace maker. I tend to argue when I should be shutting my mouth. Frankly, (one of my flaws) is that I don't care if you are happy. If you are wrong you are wrong. That is it. If you are preventing me from expressing myself then you are wrong. Mike, being a peacemaker feels this is an attack on him at times. Maybe it is. I don't mean it to be however.

As a woman and as a wife I can attest to the fact that woman feel (in my experience) they have a right to share everything on their mind. Fellow woman out there, that is so not a right. It is not a privilege. It is something we take upon ourselves to do and to hurt others in the process. Scripture states the tongue is a horrible thing to get under control.

But the tongue can no man tame; [it is] an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. James 3:8-10


Mike and I are starting marriage counseling.One thing that has lead to this is the tongue. My tongue and his. My tongue takes it time to spew out things it ought not to say. His tongue usually keeps quiet and doesn't say much. Jame reminds me daily to mind my tongue and keep my thoughts pure.

3) Another thing that has been taking a lot of my attention has been my computers. I have two, a desktop and a laptop. Both have 80 G hard drives. I also have a TB electronic book. The ebook is almost full!!!!! My desktop was almost full also!!! Now, I don't know how many of you understand how much junk that is on a computer. It is a LOT of stuff!!!! (We have a lot of television shows and movies on our computer so that is taking up a lot of space on the book.) I am trying to reduce the stuff on the computers but that takes time. I am going through it all, over time, slowly. It is a slow process. Not one I am liking but it is nice to see my free  space getting larger. :o)

I guess that is it for now. I wish to talk about other things but I have tasks to accomplish still before bed. Sleep well everyone and remember that when God shows you to keep quiet, it's always best to do so. :o)

Mom and Dad - Happy Easter

I have been waiting to write this for the last few weeks. I have wanted to write but I don't want to use this blog for me. I want to use it for God. I felt that it wasn't the right time until now.

Well, Easter is right around the corner. Today is the day (symbolically) all those years ago that our Saviour was crucified and buried. The world was dark for 3 hours. The Earth shook. Thunder clapped as God's heart broke.Our Saviour gave up his life so that we may forever have life with Him.

My foster parents just passed away, mom on Jan 28th and dad on March 28th, both this year. It's been a rough year. Through it all God ha given me such a peace. God has helped me come to grips with a bunch of things that have been troubling me. I have to say that God is pretty awesome.

I miss my real parents, who have also passed, in 1983 (Dad) & 2000 (Mom). I miss my foster parents. I was blessed by two sets of parents despite the circumstances that made that happen. I miss them deeply. My heart breaks that I will not see them again on this Earth.

Tonight I was listening to Toby Mac sing his song, Made to Love. It really struck a chord with me tonight, in a good way. It humbled me. It enveloped me in the arms of Christ. He made us to love Him. WOW!

My parents, both sets, loved me very much. I loved them very much. I still do. I miss them so much right now. But they could never love me as much as Christ. Not in a million years. Not with every fiber and atom of their bodies. The love humans have doesn't hold anything to what God loves us with. The love from God is beyond our comprehension.

God sent his only son, part of Himself, to Earth so that there would again, be a way to have perfect union between us and Him. Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God are three in One. Three individuals with 3 separate jobs and characteristics but at the same time one entity. Jesus is, was, and will always be a part of God the Father. Yet, he was separated so that we could have fellowship with Him once again.

Growing up in a foster home my feelings regarding what family really was were warped. My feelings towards my real parents were not those of adoration and true familial love. My feelings towards my foster family were always held back with reservations, not knowing if I was genuinely accepted as part of the family. But when I realized that I could really meet God and that He was MY Saviour, not just everyone's but truly mine, I finally knew what love was. Love from God is something I can never understand nor will ever comprehend BUT it is something I can accept. It is truly, wholly, genuine, without reservations and with out hesitations.

Jesus, 100% God, gave up His throne in Heaven so that He may become 100% man. He did that so that we may know He truly loves us with all that He is. While on Earth He gave up His Godly powers and knowledge. He really did become fully man. (I still do not understand that fully.) He then suffered ridicule, humiliation, mockery, beatings, being spit upon, having things throw at him. He suffered, willingly suffered, being scourged, whipped beyond recognition. His skin was probably hanging off his body. His eyes were blinded by the dripping blood. His joints were in agony, struggling to work. His muscles beneath his skin torn to bits from the whip that was used to flag him, burning with such an intense fire, then he was made to walk. He was made to carry the beam that would end his life here on Earth. Nothing could end his life in Heaven though. This He knew.

As he was readied to be crucified he was draped with a robe and mocked for being King. He was given a crown of thorns, probably pressed hard on his head, already bleeding profusely, by the very men who were killing him. They called him King while laughing and joking about him saving himself. He was brutally murdered but he accepted it so that we could have a place with him for eternity.

That is love. True Love. That is way more then the love a parent has for a child. That is agape love. We are God's children. He created us so that we may love Him. You expect your child to love you. I do. But that is not always the case. I'm proof. Oh, I loved my real parents, but it was more of a love for people in general and not a love for a parent type of love. Not all children love their parents. Even if the child does love their parent there is always times when anger sets in or resentment, or jealousy, or willful disrespect. That interrupts the flow of true love. Familial love is not without interruption.

With God, none of that is involved. He never breaks that flow of agape love no matter what we do.

I am forever thankful for that!

When I was little I asked my foster mom why she loved purple so much. She told me this.

"I am a princess, don't you know? I am a daughter of the most High King. That makes me a princess and a princess gets to wear purple because purple is for royalty." 

I am a princess, you are a princess or a prince. We are children of the Most High King. We are royalty. This weekend and every day, let's thank the Most High King for all He has done for us.

While we thank Him may we remember the scourging he accepted. May we remember the mockery and the pain he suffered for our sakes. Jesus is the Most High King. He deserves our adoration. He deserves our respect. Most of all He deserves our love.

Happy Easter.