For the girl that wants to date my son

For the girl that wants to date my son. 

We encourage you to get to know us as a family; our likes and dislikes, our morals and values, our rules and beliefs; get to know who we are and what we are made out of. For in them you will see what our son is truly like. In turn we want to get to know you. We want you to know that we are interested in you and your life, your family and your dreams. We want you to know why we do not allow dating.

Dating is a tricky subject for many families. Some do not mind it at all. Some think it’s cute and adorable. Some joke about it from a young age and some refuse to discuss it until a child reaches “the right age”. Some hate but tolerate it and some refuse to allow it. Some people just don't feel one way or the other; it's just something one does and eventually one gets married. Everyone seems to have an opinion about how it should be done and everyone seems to think their opinion is the right one. Even though some say they don't have an opinion, everyone really does.

Dating can be called many things; hooking up, hanging out, going steady, being exclusive, seeing, being into and so forth. Some even call their version of dating courting. Courting and dating, in my opinion are way different. Dating has a perception that one could ‘date’ anyone without repercussions, without expectations, without damaging results. Dating has a purpose of enjoying who you are with and feeling good in the relationship. Dating is very selfish. I see no specific purpose other than feeling good; about yourself and about who you are dating. Dating can involve reaching all the ‘bases’ including sex. Hands grope, lips kiss, people mauling, pawing and putting aside one’s personal space is very common. Dating is very self focused. I dated when I was young. I remember the feelings coursing through my mind, my body, causing me to forgo the teachings of my parents, the teachings of the Bible.

Courting, however, has a specific purpose in mind; marriage. With courting you are seeking out a lifelong partner. You are just as interested in the other person’s long term relationship as you are in yours. God is the focus and God is doing the leading; at least one would hope so. Getting to know each other is the focus. It involves looking beyond the now, looking beyond our flesh and seeing the future; or at least trying to envision it. Courting involves both families, not just the teens or young adults. There is a saying that when you marry someone you don’t just marry them; you marry their whole family. I think that is right. When you are married you are now accepted into the family fold. Getting to know the family of the person you are courting just makes sense if you are looking for a future with them. Courting means waiting. When we are able to put our fleshly desires aside and we are able to focus on creating a lifelong bond. We can see the person for who they are and not what they can do for us it makes a big difference. We can develop that emotional and spiritual bond that goes beyond the physical. The physical only lasts for so long sometimes, but a bond brought forth in friendship lasts much longer.  

Courting is God focused. Our family tries to as God focused as we can. We are a fun family who values people and friendships. We all have ministries that we love even if the world doesn't consider them 'ministries'. We find joy in the little things in life, a walk in the park, going for a drive, eating ice cream sundaes, building with Keva Planks. We enjoy talking to each other, keeping each other with things, building each other up. We enjoy laughing and being silly. We enjoy sarcasm. We enjoy reading God's Word, church, family movies, and good books. We enjoy life without the drama.

Our family is God focused. So, beautiful young lady, if you are interested in courting our son know that my heart wants to welcome you.

Sensory issues comes in all sizes

Sensory issues...

Sensory processing disorders are classified into three broad categories:
       Sensory modulation disorder (SMD)
       Sensory-based motor disorder (SBMD)
       Sensory discrimination disorder (SDD)

When my kids were diagnosed they were told it was simply a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) so that is what I call it.  I do not know what category we all fall into.

No matter what you call it, it disrupts life all around it. The person who has it is affected. Those who live with the affected person are affected by it. Those who interact with the affected person are affected by it. It is non-discriminatory; be it by age, race or gender.

SPD is not fun... for anyone...

This is our story.

Having a child with SPD was bad enough. Having a spouse with it is not easy but livable. Realizing you have SPD yourself is even worse. For me at least.

Between the brightness of the lights, the loudness of tapping, the touching of fabrics life can be tortuous at times to some. For us, most of our issues are mild compared to some I have talked to. Adam's are the worst out of all of us though. Taste, sight, hearing, touching, smelling... it all can be too much. The melt downs happen, the frustrations and anger when things just do not stop. The bombardment of sensory inputs can be so overwhelming and almost scary at times. The pain it can bring can be bothersome to some - debilitating for others. Shutting down or lashing out are just some of the reactions sensory overloads can bring. They can ruin an entire day. A day that has been filled with joy and excitement can be ruined with a 5 minute sensory bombardment in the car ride home after too long of a day out and about; setting off hours of unexpected meltdowns. Cooking becomes laborious as you try to accommodate the varied sensory issues. One will not eat this, another will not eat that. One can feel the seams inside his shirt. Another can't take the noise of talking or the radio. It's not a matter of being picky it's a matter of too much sensory input. Outsiders think you are a push over and too accommodating but only you know what goes on behind closed doors. Only you know what the meltdowns are really like. How do you cope when one child has SPD? Worse though, how do you deal with your whole family having it? That is our story. I hope my insight can help you.

My family - my hubby, myself and my 2 boys - all have our own SPD story, our own sensory problems. Each one is a bit different and each one is a bit similar to the others. Some are bothered by textures others by sounds. Some need to make noise others like it quiet. Some have outgrown their issues some have not. My boys are now 18 and 16. Over the last 18 years I have learned so much about SPD but I still have much to learn. This is my list of how SPD fits into your life, and how it has helped us treasure life even more.

1 - It is what it is - don't fight it. Life is full of issues that we need to address. There are problems at every turn. Sensory issues do not have cause fights. Understanding the needs of each individual goes a long way in living peacefully.

2 - There are ways to accommodate - Doing what you can to help alleviate any sensory overloads and in turn preventing meltdowns can be (and should be) done. If one likes to tap see if tapping on something soft will satisfy that sensory need. This will help those who are sound sensitive as tapping can be very irritating.

3 - It can improve - Given time and given therapies things do improve. One can learn how to handle their own sensory issues so that they do not affect their life as harshly anymore. Learning the sensory needs of those around you also can help make you more understanding and more willing to accommodate.

4 - Never stop searching - Never stop searching for ways to improve yourself and overcome your sensory needs. I know one cannot overcome all sensory issues but over time one may be able to learn to live with them so they are not as bothersome. For me, I do not like some fabrics so I avoid them. I am light sensitive so I keep sunglasses with me almost all the time. Never stop searching for help if you need it. Never stop searching within you to cope. Never stop seeking God's help. Never stop, that's the key.

5 - Never think of it as a curse - A curse is something that is burdensome. Since your sensory issues are part of you, or part of a loved one, they are cannot be seen as burdensome without the person who has them seeming burdensome too. It is a package deal. One cannot live without the other as they cannot be separated. This one goes with # 1. It is what it is. Accept it and move on. Each part of a person's personality can be seen as a blessing, if you look at it the right way. Your sensory issues may seem like they hold you back but they might just be showing you something better. For me, the light makes it difficult to see well. Shades help me focus better and I can see sharper with them. Not a curse, a blessing of clarity.

6 - Move on in friendships - Some people just cannot get past those idiosyncrasies sensory issues bring. Some people cannot see the real you and therefore cannot appreciate you as much. You cannot change them so move on. Now, that doesn't mean drop those friends. Some may have to go but for the most part I see that if people desire to understand the sensory issues friendships can flourish. If someone is too bothered by them or does not want to work to understand then their friendship isn't as true as it may seem. That's ok though. The world is full of more beautiful people who are understanding.

7 - God does not create mistakes - In all things God creates wonder. We are created in His image. If we are created in the image of God how then can we be mistakes just because we have a few sensory issues? Does God have sensory issues too? Well, that's not exactly what I mean when I say 'in His image'. God makes no mistakes but this world is a sinful world and with sin comes problems. Since the fall of man, in the Garden of Eden, sin is indwelt in each of us. The moment we are born we are filled with the possibilities of sinning. Just as sin causes problems without behavior it causes problems in our bodies too. That is why there is disease.  Our bodies are decaying and we will eventually die. There is cancer, diabetes, cerebral palsy, birth defects and many more things that can go wrong with the human body, just add sensory issues to that list. It's NOT a mistake, it's a result.

8 - You are amazingly, fearfully and wonderfully made  - Psalm 139:14 shows us this. He knows the number of hairs on your head and counts you more value then sparrows. See Matthew 10:30. If He, God himself, values us to be so precious how can we disagree? He is the Creator of the universe and all that is in it after all.

No matter what sensory issues your children have take time each day to rejoice in who they are, not what they have. If you focus on the what you miss the who. Before you know it they are all grown up and you have missed their childhood.

What depression has taught me

Depression can be a horrible thing. It can affect you in more ways than you can count. It affects those around you and those you have to interact with. If you are a stay at home mom it can be even worse. The crying for no reason, the lack of caring about life and friends and family, the lack of caring about anything can be bad enough individually but when added together they can be devastating. It is easy to say just do this or just do that and you'll feel better. My sister used to tell me to just smile more. HA! That is a laugh. When you are so sad that you wish life would end there is truly nothing to smile about.

After my oldest was born I had postpartum depression very badly for about 3-4 months. My sister was my strong hold during that time. She took care of my newborn while I sat and cried. Then the depression went away and I was happy once again. It was a horrible time. I never wanted to feel like that again. Then it came back, years later. I have been dealing with depression for almost 15 years now. I guess the signs were always there, even as a child, but it really showed it's true colors after I had a full hysterectomy to get rid of endometriosis. The endometriosis was taken care of but I did not expect the depression that followed. The desires to live life just disappeared. My love for life and love for friends dwindled. Sometimes it would get better and I would feel normal once again. The feeling would not last though. The depression always had this hold on me that I could not shake. It has become part of who I am and it is something I must deal with. I'm not surprised though. My family has struggled with depression as far back as I can remember. My mom was in and out of psychiatric hospitals since before I was born. Some of my sisters and brothers struggle with it also. So you see, I have experience. I wish I didn't though. I know God has a plan for it and I try to see His plan, even though I have no idea what it is.

Over the last 20 years I have found something things that depression has taught me. I would like to share that here. My hope and my prayer is that you would find some healing and some comfort from these words. I pray that you will put some of these things into action. I pray that you will find that depression can have a lighter grasp on you; or better yet, no grasp at all.

1 - Prayer - Talking to the One, True God has helped me. It helps me focus my mind on something else besides my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and distracting. Feelings are misleading and confusing. God clears my mind and helps me see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. He helps me see Him through the darkness. He has a purpose in my life and I cling to His purpose.

2 - God's Word - Reading Scriptures also is great for refocusing. Even better though, it is great for learning. When we learn something new we feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of revelation. In His Word we find His purpose for us. We find His guidance and His comfort. I live to find that. In Scriptures you can see how others have dealt with things not going well. You see how God dealt with them and dealt with the situations. Job is actually quite uplifting for me. It shows me how life can dump on you and by clinging to God life isn't so bad after all. Joseph is also a great person to read about. Life was harsh on him, for no reason of his own. God protected him through his life and blessed him greatly as the years went by. God blessed him because Joseph trusted in, leaned on, and found comfort in God.

3 - Do something. Move. Get up. Do not just sit there. When we move and do things our body creates chemicals that help us feel better. It also gives us something for our mind to think about instead of feeling crappy.

4 - Talk to people - I know it's the last thing you might want to do. It usually is for me. It is helpful though. I'm not talking about a counselor or talking about your feelings (by the way - remember they can be misleading). I'm talking about call a friend or text your neighbor - just to say hi or talk about the latest book or movie. Talk about anything! Just talk. It seriously does help.

5 - Take your meds - If you have meds take them as prescribed. If you are taking them and they are not working then talk to your doctor. DO NOT just stop talking them! I know that when I skip a day or two or three I can feel myself drifting further away. I can feel the sadness, the coldness, the aloneness reaching out and pulling me closer. It is not a good feeling.

6 - Find a hobby - If you are like me, a stay at home mom (or dad,) the quietness and time alone can be suffocating. You can only read so many books, do so many puzzles, watch so many shows. Find something that you like to do to pass the time. Scrapbooks, build models, start a blog, knit or crochet, volunteer, etc...

7 - Get an animal - Having something to take care of helps give you purpose. Sometimes, kids can be draining, especially if you are depressed. Having an animal (even a low maintenance ones like hamsters or birds) help because they create noise which livens things up, give you something to focus on and take care of, give you something to talk to even when no one answers their phone, and help you feel needed.

8 - Go outside - Sunlight is amazing! The sun's light helps our bodies make Vitamin D. It helps our sleep cycle and on sunny days, the brain produces more of the mood-lifting chemical serotonin than on darker days. Going outside also gives us a change of scenery therefore giving our brains something else to think about and focus on. (Combining #3 and #4 with this and you have a great mood lifter!).

9 - Go for a walk - outside - In out small town I have a lot of local places I can walk to. I hate walking with no purpose so having a store, a library, or a restaurant to go to gives me a reason to go outside. If you do not have anywhere to walk to set a time limit and get a book on tape or music to listen to while you walk. Walking does a number of things. Exercise, change of scenery, gets you out in the sun, takes away boredom, and gives you an opportunity to visit someplace or someone.

10 - Turn on the radio - Our local music station (www.Klove.com which I LOVE by the way) encourages people to listen to nothing but Christian music for 30 days as it helps uplift your spirit and increases positive outlooks on life. Listening to music that is harsh or dark or loud can actually help further those overwhelming feelings and worsen depression.

11 - Break the Monotony - Doing that same thing over and over again does not give your brain something new to think about. Break it up - change the way you do something - use your non-dominate hand to eat or cut your meat, do something backwards instead of the way you usually do it, if you walk daily take a different route - anything different helps.
Doing tedious things is very similar to monotony mentioned above... change it up if you can. If you can't, stop doing it for a bit to give your mind a break. 

12 - Sleep - Sometimes sleep is easily to get other times sleep is eludes us... Not sleeping makes things so much worse. It is vital that sleep happens. Sleep gives our brains time to rest and regroup. It helps our bodies calm down and re-energize. Waking up after a good night's sleep allows us to look at things from a new perspective. Oversleeping can do just the opposite and can worsen depression. I like to aim for a normal scheduled sleep pattern. Set an alarm if you have to. 8 hours is recommended.

I have listed quite a few things here and it can be overwhelming to think you have to all these things when you really do not feel like doing any of them. I know how that feels. Start small. Do one thing mentioned above today. Tomorrow do something different on the list. You do not have to do them all. I only mentioned them all because I have found over time that these have helped me the most.
NO MATTER WHAT - taking meds should not be an option. Take them. Every day. As prescribed.
If you do not have a prescription or do not have medical insurance medication can be too expensive to get. Try taking St. John's Wort. There have been studies done that shows the benefits of St. John's Wort with depression. I take it daily. It helps me. Talk to your doctor about taking it first.

Depression can be overwhelming and suffocation and horrible. It doesn't have to be. God doesn't want it to be. He is there to help you through this. He does more then hold your hand or give you a few kind words of comfort. He uplifts your spirit in ways I cannot even begin to describe. He gives you purpose and guidance and comfort and healing... In His Word there is so much to absorb and be a part of. It's not just a book to read. It's how He talks to us and by reading it we commune with Him.

Depression doesn't have to horrible. It can be a catalyst for better feelings if you make it, if you allow God to change it.

Thanks for reading.