10 things you’ll learn homeschooling a special needs child

10 things you’ll learn homeschooling a special needs child

1.  What struggle truly means – you think it’s hard when they are babies. They may not coo or make sounds like a normal baby. They may not roll over or walk within “normal” time frames, if at all. They may have a VERY specific diet or be highly allergic. They might not be able see or hear properly. No matter what you have gone through with them before their school age years, nothing prepares you for the struggles you will face when you are teaching them their academics.

2. How tired you will be – I’m sure you have had MANY sleepless nights when they were tiny. It comes with the territory, right? By the time your child is 3ish they definitely should sleep through the night. Right? By the time they are 4 they should be able to dress themselves, feed themselves, have a conversation with you, and play with other children, right? What if that never happens? Or what if it doesn’t happen the way it “should”? Homeschooling adds to that tiredness, that pure unexplainable exhaustion. No matter how much sleep you get, you are always tired.

3. Stress builds up and up and up some days. - The stress you feel isn’t imaginary and it seems to never end. It may seem that you have a handle on your child’s needs and abilities, so why do you feel stressed? The constant worry in the back of your mind never stops. It adds to any outward pressure you feel about  your child not being able to keep up with their peers. There is always the “is everything ok?” question floating around in your brain, no matter how well your child is doing. “Did I do enough?” “Will they progress and be able to do x, y, or z?”  “Are people comparing my child to their child?” “How can I make my child ‘seem’ better so the comparison stops?” “What did the doctor say again?” Maybe I should call the doctor, therapist, specialist?” The questions never stop. They repeat themselves over and over and over. The stress can feel too much at times.

4. There is hope! – No matter if your child ever is able to live on their own, be able to work full time, or drive, it’s ok. There is hope. It may not be the hope we expect, but it’s there. Things may (or may not) get easier as time goes on but you get used to it. You find your niche and your routine. Your life will continue. Your child will grow up, in his/her own way. It’s ok. The hope is a comfort knowing that God’s in control. The hope is that no matter what, no matter the struggles, tears or discouragement, your child is doing their best and that’s all that matters. God is in control. He knows the beginning from the end and all the bumps in the road along the way. He is in control of all those bumps. He knew all of this way before it even happened. He is there for you to lean on and take refuge in. He knows your child because He made them. He knows your struggles because he knows you. Lean on Him and He will direct your paths. He will give you guidance, reassurance and peace. He will because He is God and God is hope.

5. The amount of love you have for your child will surprise you. Through struggles we see how much our love is tested. The investment we make in our children who struggle brings to light the love we have for them. Even on days when we hate our child’s behavior, when we question if we even hate our child, the love we have for them is evident. It keeps us up at night, makes us seek out every available resource and makes us get through each and every day. It shows when we reteach them the same thing for the 50h time or when we tie their shoe because they just cannot seem to learn to do it on their own. It is there without our ever realizing it. They feel it way more then we think they do, too.

6. There is NO ‘right’ curriculum – Each child is different and each hild has their own uniqueness, so it goes to reason that there is no “one size fits all” curriculum out there. Yes, of course that is goes for nuerotypical children and healthy children, but it goes more so for children with difficulties. You can look high and low for the best curriculum for your special needs child and when you get it, guess what? It will need to be adapted. Yup, all the money in the world and all the books in the world cannot automatically come customized to your child. It will need to be tweaked. Sometimes you will need to ditch it all together and find something else. That is OK! Whatever you use, ADAPT as you see fit. As long as it works for your child, that’s the important part. Some days you will need to adapt more, slow down or speed up. So feel free to do so. J It’s your homeschool, make it yours alone. J

7. Some days there will be no school. That’s ok, too. Some days you just cannot get off the couch, or your child can not handle any formal lessons. So take a breather. If taking frequent breaks doesn’t help, ditch school for the day. You might want to plan extra school days into your calendar so you have the flexibil.ity to do this. Be flexible. Go with what your child needs that day. School will still be there tomorrow, It is not going away all together; just being set aside for the moment. You have more important things to address – like the needs of your child. J Don’t feel guilty about this. Breathe, take in the moment, and cherish the time with your child. It might be that you both need that break more than you think.

8. We do know more than the doctors and school officials. We know our child.  Sure, we may not know the medical jargon at first, or what specific medicine or therapies to prescribe. BUT we know our child in a way the professionals never will. Do not be quiet and meek when it comes to standing up for the medical and academic needs of your child. They need you to stand up for them. They need you to advocate for them. For some children you are their only advocate. Speak up, stand firm in what you know they need, even if it means getting a second opinion or arguing (respectfully and politely) with the professional. Your child needs you for fight for them and their needs. Their progress will be more rewarding in ways you never dreamed. You will become the doctor. You will read more books them you ever imagined. You will research and Google everything. J In order to help your child, you will need information and you will do practically anything to get that information. There will be many long nights and early mornings researching your child’s difficulties. Don’t let all the information overwhelm you. Do not let it control you. Your child is still the same little person they were before all the research. Don’t let the research start making you see them in a different light. God made your child just the way they are, just as He designed them to be.  It’s one thing to research for information and it’s quite another to research to “fix” your child. Research all you want, just keep it all in perspective.

9. You will be lonely. When you have a child with difficulties you will lose friends. It’s not something that happens suddenly or something you will notice right way. Some people just do not know how to handle the special needs of your child or the struggles that you are facing. Some people just do not want to help as they have their own problems and yours seem a bit overwhelming. Sometimes marriages also struggle with the addition of a special needs child, even if the child is never diagnosed. The everyday pressures, difficulties, stress, tiredness, busyness all adds up and stress out relationships. Those without special needs children find it easier to live their life without special needs children. Let them. You will be better off for it. Those who stick by you will be your rock. They will help you when you need it and know when to stand back when you need space. They will be the ones you call in tears after your child has a huge meltdown. They will be the ones who call you just to say hi or send you a card in the mail. Those are the keepers. You might only have one friend like that all of your child rearing years. Cherish that one. If you have more than one you are truly blessed.

10. MOST IMPORTANTLY – I saved the best for last – GOD IS IN CONTROL!!! I’ve said this one before but is worth repeating. God made your child and your child is not a defect, or something needing fixing. Your child is a creature made by a loving, nurturing, protective God.

Psalm 139:14 (KJV)

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

John 1:3(KJV)

All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.

The guilt of homeschooling

The guilt of homeschooling. Even if you think you don't feel guilt right now I'm fairly certain almost every homeschooler has felt a tinge of it once ion their homeschooling adventure.

I have struggled with guilt over homeschooling our two special needs children. I have struggled EVEN MORE over the guilt of putting my children IN public school. Pulling them back out, I did not struggle with but I did struggle with if I gave them the best education I could. Having one child already graduating and one to graduate next June, I STILL struggle with guilt.

Guilt over what? I am doing the right thing, of course. We all go through it, we all have those moments of feeling like a failure; as a parent and as an educator. (You are ALWAYS educating your children, even if you do not homeschool. You are the primary person your children look to for guidance and for learning. Monkey see monkey do, you ever hear that phrase? It's true. You swear? Your child will end up spouting the F bomb or the S word a time or two. You pray daily and read Scripture? You know your child will notice and they will mimic.) Guilt over the life long impact I am imparting on my children. Did I do well enough? Could I have done better? No matter what I do or didn't do the guilt remains. I know I did the best I could and have tried my best to follow god's direction for our family. I know I tried my hardest to pick up on the cues my sons were giving me as to what they needed in all areas of life, eduction being only part of that.

Why is it then that homeschoolers get this overwhelming feeling of failure when they look back at their child's education; the education they put into place.
Everyone wants to keep up with the Jones. Everyone wants that smarter then average children. Everyone wants to be noticed for doing a great job. Face it, when you educate your children at home you are being scrutinized on all sides for how well your children turn out; even by yourself. Everyone wants to be found doing a phenomenal job.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Notice I did not say guilty? I am not guilty but at times I am filled with guilt. Unwarranted most of the time but there nonetheless. Step back, take a breath, stop to think - rationally think. You will see that if you are doing the best you can and you are following the homeschooling laws set forth in your local area then you are guilty of only one thing. You are guilty of loving your child enough to help educated them in the best way you know how.

Take that step back and remember that God did not call the qualified. He qualifies the called. If you have children then you have been called to raise them. Don't let the guilt overwhelm you. Don't let the kids down the block cloud your judgement as to how to raise your own child. Go before God himself and ask for guidance; He will surely answer.

My feelings of guilt come and go but I know that I have done the best I could for my children; righting wrongs as we go. I know I will continue to do the best I can for them too. I don't know everything, I am still learning. What I do know is that my children have far exceeded my expectations in life and I know they will continue to do so if I continue to expect their best and teach them to expect their best too.

Keep the big picture in mind when you see little things not going so well. It's the big picture in the end that makes the difference. The little things, with the long term perspective, will fall into place. In our house, the big picture is ultimately to raise our kids with a love for the Lord most of all but also to be productive people in society and to never stop learning

Sensory issues comes in all sizes

Sensory issues...

Sensory processing disorders are classified into three broad categories:
       Sensory modulation disorder (SMD)
       Sensory-based motor disorder (SBMD)
       Sensory discrimination disorder (SDD)

When my kids were diagnosed they were told it was simply a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) so that is what I call it.  I do not know what category we all fall into.

No matter what you call it, it disrupts life all around it. The person who has it is affected. Those who live with the affected person are affected by it. Those who interact with the affected person are affected by it. It is non-discriminatory; be it by age, race or gender.

SPD is not fun... for anyone...

This is our story.

Having a child with SPD was bad enough. Having a spouse with it is not easy but livable. Realizing you have SPD yourself is even worse. For me at least.

Between the brightness of the lights, the loudness of tapping, the touching of fabrics life can be tortuous at times to some. For us, most of our issues are mild compared to some I have talked to. Adam's are the worst out of all of us though. Taste, sight, hearing, touching, smelling... it all can be too much. The melt downs happen, the frustrations and anger when things just do not stop. The bombardment of sensory inputs can be so overwhelming and almost scary at times. The pain it can bring can be bothersome to some - debilitating for others. Shutting down or lashing out are just some of the reactions sensory overloads can bring. They can ruin an entire day. A day that has been filled with joy and excitement can be ruined with a 5 minute sensory bombardment in the car ride home after too long of a day out and about; setting off hours of unexpected meltdowns. Cooking becomes laborious as you try to accommodate the varied sensory issues. One will not eat this, another will not eat that. One can feel the seams inside his shirt. Another can't take the noise of talking or the radio. It's not a matter of being picky it's a matter of too much sensory input. Outsiders think you are a push over and too accommodating but only you know what goes on behind closed doors. Only you know what the meltdowns are really like. How do you cope when one child has SPD? Worse though, how do you deal with your whole family having it? That is our story. I hope my insight can help you.

My family - my hubby, myself and my 2 boys - all have our own SPD story, our own sensory problems. Each one is a bit different and each one is a bit similar to the others. Some are bothered by textures others by sounds. Some need to make noise others like it quiet. Some have outgrown their issues some have not. My boys are now 18 and 16. Over the last 18 years I have learned so much about SPD but I still have much to learn. This is my list of how SPD fits into your life, and how it has helped us treasure life even more.

1 - It is what it is - don't fight it. Life is full of issues that we need to address. There are problems at every turn. Sensory issues do not have cause fights. Understanding the needs of each individual goes a long way in living peacefully.

2 - There are ways to accommodate - Doing what you can to help alleviate any sensory overloads and in turn preventing meltdowns can be (and should be) done. If one likes to tap see if tapping on something soft will satisfy that sensory need. This will help those who are sound sensitive as tapping can be very irritating.

3 - It can improve - Given time and given therapies things do improve. One can learn how to handle their own sensory issues so that they do not affect their life as harshly anymore. Learning the sensory needs of those around you also can help make you more understanding and more willing to accommodate.

4 - Never stop searching - Never stop searching for ways to improve yourself and overcome your sensory needs. I know one cannot overcome all sensory issues but over time one may be able to learn to live with them so they are not as bothersome. For me, I do not like some fabrics so I avoid them. I am light sensitive so I keep sunglasses with me almost all the time. Never stop searching for help if you need it. Never stop searching within you to cope. Never stop seeking God's help. Never stop, that's the key.

5 - Never think of it as a curse - A curse is something that is burdensome. Since your sensory issues are part of you, or part of a loved one, they are cannot be seen as burdensome without the person who has them seeming burdensome too. It is a package deal. One cannot live without the other as they cannot be separated. This one goes with # 1. It is what it is. Accept it and move on. Each part of a person's personality can be seen as a blessing, if you look at it the right way. Your sensory issues may seem like they hold you back but they might just be showing you something better. For me, the light makes it difficult to see well. Shades help me focus better and I can see sharper with them. Not a curse, a blessing of clarity.

6 - Move on in friendships - Some people just cannot get past those idiosyncrasies sensory issues bring. Some people cannot see the real you and therefore cannot appreciate you as much. You cannot change them so move on. Now, that doesn't mean drop those friends. Some may have to go but for the most part I see that if people desire to understand the sensory issues friendships can flourish. If someone is too bothered by them or does not want to work to understand then their friendship isn't as true as it may seem. That's ok though. The world is full of more beautiful people who are understanding.

7 - God does not create mistakes - In all things God creates wonder. We are created in His image. If we are created in the image of God how then can we be mistakes just because we have a few sensory issues? Does God have sensory issues too? Well, that's not exactly what I mean when I say 'in His image'. God makes no mistakes but this world is a sinful world and with sin comes problems. Since the fall of man, in the Garden of Eden, sin is indwelt in each of us. The moment we are born we are filled with the possibilities of sinning. Just as sin causes problems without behavior it causes problems in our bodies too. That is why there is disease.  Our bodies are decaying and we will eventually die. There is cancer, diabetes, cerebral palsy, birth defects and many more things that can go wrong with the human body, just add sensory issues to that list. It's NOT a mistake, it's a result.

8 - You are amazingly, fearfully and wonderfully made  - Psalm 139:14 shows us this. He knows the number of hairs on your head and counts you more value then sparrows. See Matthew 10:30. If He, God himself, values us to be so precious how can we disagree? He is the Creator of the universe and all that is in it after all.

No matter what sensory issues your children have take time each day to rejoice in who they are, not what they have. If you focus on the what you miss the who. Before you know it they are all grown up and you have missed their childhood.