things to remember: a blog in pictures, day 1

life getting the way of life

You ever find that happening to you? You know, when life gets in the way of life? I know that sounds redundant but think about it. The life you have gets in the way of the life you want. It happens. We focus so much on life here on Earth that we forget about the life God wants us to lead. Day to day life takes over and the Life being led for God gets pushed on the back burner.

Recently I have found myself questioning my addiction to the internet. I know, and here I am writing a blog! lol Kinda  funny. Anyhow, I have been questioning whether it is profitable for me to be here online as much as I am. It's not, there is no question about it. It is not the life I imagined me having. It is not the life I had hoped to have. It is not the life God wants me to have.

 

So what am I going to do about it? I plan to take action. I have to make life changes. I hate making life changes by the way. I know I have to, I just haven't decided what those changes will exactly be though. Cutting out the surfing is one of them though.

I know that the internet will take a back seat for a while. I can check it in the late afternoon or evenings. I have things on the compute that has to get done but I have to limit my internet though.  I must read the Scriptures more often, that is unmistakeably, unequivocally, undeniably the most important task needing to keep focused on. I have to go through my digital pictures. I have to work on completing the boy's' schooling this year and plan for next year. I have some organizing to do at home here too. I have a lot to do.

I can no longer let life get in the way of the life I need to be living. Can you? Are you? I was, but now I won't be. Will you?

how much can we handle?

Ok, so God thinks I can handle quite a lot apparently. I don't want Him to think that. I want Him to stop giving me so much to handle. I really do.

Over the past 3 months or so we have had one problem after another rise up to need our attention. Between my mom's passing, major car issues, health scares, Mike's now probably permanent 80% vision loss and our van pretty much  dieing I'm not so sure I can handle it all. I know I don't want to handle it all.

I am trying to rely on God, I really am. I pray, I read, I pray some more. I can't help feeling that I have failing those around me and especially my husband. I'm not being the wife I should be and I know I'm not being the mother I should be.

I ask others for encouragement and some help fine tuning my life, trying to get my life under some sort of control but no one seems to care. No one seems to want to help. What do I do?

O, enough crying, enough woe is me crap! I am done. I have to get up and move on, right? pull up my boots straps as the saying goes. What has God told me about life?

Simple, rejoice in it for He has given us breath in our lungs. There are so many others out there without and we are blessed with. There are hurting people, disfigured people, people on a ventilator for their whole life, there are others with dementia that don't even know how they are. Yes I sit here complaining and crying over a few bumps in the road.
My husband can still work, he can still see out of one eye, he can breath, play and laugh. I can walk, I can clean, I can breath on my own. My kids can talk, learn, play and watch tv, invite their friends over and so much more. We are truly blessed beyond measure.

So what is going on in your lives that you are grumbling about today? Are things not going your way? Are things hard to deal with? Are you breathing? Walking? Thinking? Can you work? Pay your bills? Plan your life? Some people can't. Some people can't get out of bed, wipe their own butt, breath on their own. They are the ones that truly should get our empathy.

(Note: I did not say sympathy, I said empathy. Empathy is way different then sympathy, btw. One is understanding another s feelings, the other is feeling those feelings with them.)

What right do I have, do you have, to sulk in our own problems when others out there are so less fortunate then we are? Even if we do not know o anyone, personally, that has things worse then we do, they are out there. Trust me. In a house near you there is a woman getting beaten, there are children left unattended because their parent feels the need to go get drugs, there is an elderly woman or man who is neglected and left in their 0own filth. Trust me, these people are out there, whether we admit it or not. So when you feel like sulking in your own problems remember that those problems really aren't as bad as we let ourselves think.

Pull up your boot straps, dust yourself off and cling to the Lord. Only He can help you feel better. Only He can give you peace and comfort. Only He loves you enough to die specifically for you.

PS: This blog is more so written for me then it is for you. Therapy is just one person talking to another. I am talking to you and you, by listening, are my therapist here on Earth. God is my true therapist though. He helps me through all life's little (and not so little) problems.

Thank you.

thing is

thing is so many things are on my mind.

I'm gonna be 40 this year, in Nov. I'm lost my real mom, my real dad, my foster mom, my grandfather-in-law, and my father-in-law already. I never knew my grandparents in my real home nor my foster home. I barely knew my aunts and uncles in those homes either. I would like to say I am too young to have all this death upon me, but I'm not I'm afraid.

Years ago, I was deeply hurt by someone. That person had no idea they hurt me, let alone hurt me so deeply. I'm sure if they did they would have been horrified as it was not their nature, nor their intent. But I was hurt nonetheless.

Being a foster kid you grow up not really knowing where you fit in in life. Yes, I was blessed beyond measure to have the foster family I did have. I was raised, lovingly, by the same couple for 14 years. It was a Christian household. I was blessed. VERY BLESSED.

Growing up in a foster family, despite it being a wonderful home, I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. My real mom gave me up, willingly. My real dad did not stop her. I was torn from my siblings, left not seeing them hardly at all.When other foster kids in this home moved out most contact was lost. I was never sure why or who's fault it was. I was feeling that maybe that would happen to me when I moved out. Again, I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting, half expecting, life to get worse.

Despite all that I had and all that I was given, deep inside me I was hurting. I guess I still am. When someone whom you love deeply tells you something so hurtful, even if it is due to a deteriorating medically issue, it is very, very hurtful.

I'm sorry I lost so many years over something so stupid. Had I just known. Had someone told me her condition,. I can't go back, I must go forward. My life is not here for others to determine my worth. God has done that already. Only he can determine my worth and He did so upon that cross. I just pray that others can see that too.

I was a brat growing up. I was a bit self-righteous, very pig-headed, and maybe snobby. I was hurt by so many people that I wasn't sure what it was like not to feel hurt. Maybe that is why I was always expecting to have the other shoe drop and my life to be turned upside down again. Maybe that is why I believed the hurtful words. Maybe means nothing in the long run though.

I'm an adult now. I'm different then that stupid lil kid and arrogant teenager. I have learned a lot since those years so long ago. I have been hurt deeply and have been able to get over it. I have been treated rudely and been able to get past it. God has healed me from a lot of hurt. He has physically healed my body from the abuse and healed my mind from the memories. He has healed my soul by showing how much He cares for me. But, just like when I was a kid, I get hurt still. God has my hand in His right now for I have no other place to put it. He is guiding me as to what to do and what to think. He is holding His hand over my mouth keeping me from saying things I'll regret. He is whispering for me to be calm.

Right now I'm hurt by three people. I need to let that hurt melt away. I know my intentions. I think I know their intentions. I know what I am doing and I know how I should behave. Giving it to God is my only choice really. Why do I hold on to it though? Because I am human.

~~ God, you know my hurt. You know my thoughts and my feelings. I chose not to give into those feelings. I chose to give them to you instead. Heal me Lord. Heal my hurt, my anger, my frustrations.  ~~

I lost all those years with my mom but I know she has forgiven me as that is they type of person she was. She was lovely in so many ways.

Mom, you are truly missed by so many people down here on Earth. You are loved and cherished and held tightly in our hearts. I love you. I'm glad you never gave up on me and always loved me despite how things turned out.

Dance the night away and play that organ music for the angels. While you're there, mom, give Jesus a hug for me. <3 rip