Friendship

Tonight I sit here thinking about friendship. What does it mean to be a friend?

Webster’s online dictionary defines it this way.

friend

noun \ˈfrend\

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)

Friendship is defined as this:

friend·ship

noun \ˈfren(d)-ˌship\

: the state of being friends : the relationship between friends

: a friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone

So friendship seems to be two fold; according to how I read the above.

1 – to be a friend to others

2 – someone being a friend to you.

Scripture, according the Bible dictionary I have, says a friend is one who associates familiarly with one, a companion, an associate, a friend, to be friendly to one, to wish him well. 

From everything I can find in the dictionary and in Scriptures being a friend is the most important part of friendship. Reaching out to others, being kind, helpful, attentive, nurturing, caring, and considerate are general traits in being a friend. 

In today’s world people have put aside the traditional way of being friends. Yes, I know, we all change as time goes on. I get that. With technology, the way we are friends changes also. Texting, facebook’s newfeed wall, private facebook messages, instagram, twitter. It all has become so impersonal, so cold. 

Where did the phone calls go?

Where did the letters in the mail go?

How about stopping by someone’s house for a visit?

When things are said online they can be easily misconstrued and they lack emotions; voice inflections, facial expressions.

When I was growing up my parents were the “old” ones. They were older than any of my friends’ parents. They not only were older, they were ‘old school’ too. We earned what we had, we ate what we were served, and we were respectful and caring and helpful. We did not have caller id or call waiting; no computers or VHS players. I was not allowed to be on the phone much and I was encouraged to go visit my friends instead of calling them. I do not see that with kids today. I find that sad.

Friendships have become electronic. The teens I do see that do hang out with each other, do so because of convenience. When a person no longer fits their  perceived need or has offended them in some way, they are unfriended on facebook, blocked on the cell phone or ignored in person. What happened to fixing the friendship? I don’t know.

I started this blog upset. I usually type when I am upset or when things are on my mind. Tonight is no different. In fact, while everyone is sleeping, I find myself mulling things over in my head. As I sit here typing God works on my heart. Tonight is no exception. He has taught me some lessons writing this blog tonight. For that I am thankful.

Over the last few months I have been trying to figure out what exactly friendship is and what you can expect out of it. Do you know what I can come up with? Friendship starts with us – you, me, individually. Christ didn’t say to wait for others to be friends. He didn’t say to expect friendships. He didn’t say to hang on to friendships. He said to strive to be like Him. He gave us the best example there is. He was patient when it was needed, caring, attentive, nurturing, thoughtful, and yet harsh, straight forward and truthful at times.

Even though friendship starts with us it is joined by another. The two interact and complement each other.

Friendships are not easy at times. They are not at all perfect. We are humans and we are all messed up to some degree. When that happens we need to be understanding of one another. If there is a problem we need to go to that person with compassion and a heartfelt desire to fix the wrongs; even if it was us who were in the wrong. When things do go wrong we need to forgive. Christ is the best example of that. In all we try to do right we sin every day despite our best efforts. Christ forgives us every time we repent. How much more are we to forgive those who trespass against us? 

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21&22(KJV)

I urge you to reach out to your friends. It’s hard when it’s so cold out and you don’t want to go anywhere. Cabin fever sets in and the loneliness feeds itself. Reaching out to your friends not only makes you feel better it might just make them feel better too. If someone reaches out to you, don’t just dismiss them. Accept their effort; don’t dismiss it and shun them. Don’t think they are doing ok, just because you are. They truly may not be doing well at all.

Lift others up and guide them to Christ. It’s in our down times that we forget to look up. Sometimes we only need a friend to help guide us.

Hold your friendships dear.

Love them, cherish them, encourage them.

Everyone needs a friend.

Loneliness - A Spiritual Tool

Loneliness, Loneliness - It can be suffocating.

Sometimes one can isolate one's self intentionally. Sometimes it just happens without one even realizing it is happening. I have felt lonely on and off for months now. That is part of depression. But that is not what this blog post is about. Today I want to talk about what I like to call "Intentional Loneliness."

There comes a time when we must choose how to behave. Every person has this choice. We find ourselves facing this multiple times, often in one day. Sometimes it simple choices sometimes it is a matter of choosing to sin.


Sinning is a choice. Sometimes it's an intentional choice others we do it without even thinking.
When that happens we need to take action.


Today, I found myself sitting alone in the hallway at church. In the past I have done this because of loneliness. Feeling alone in a crowded room with people I know and call my friends. Then, there are times like today. Nothing was wrong. I felt no disconnect with those around me. I enjoyed the conversations and I enjoyed the fellowship. So, why would I be sitting in the hallway, by myself, enjoying the loneliness?

Loneliness can be a spiritual tool. Today I used that tool. I do not tell you this to toot my own horn or to puff myself up and make myself look good in front of you. I tell you this so that you also may use this tool.

I have a sin issue. We all do, I know that. My sin issue is that I am easy to jump on the gossip bandwagon.  It is entertaining to talk, with no harming intentions at all, with no desires to spread unredeeming words of another. But it is the mouth that spews words before we think.

Matthew 15:18 says "But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.".

I wish to never defile another, much less myself. I know I have done just that in the past though. I know that I am not capable of being sinless. I know that trying to be sinless takes work. If being lonely can help me sin less then I must do it.

So, I chose to sit in the hallway today rather then run into the possibility of sinning.

No one ever said being a Christian was easy. No one ever said it would come naturally. In fact, Scripture says the opposite on both parts. When one follows Christ there will be hardships and there will be isolation. But with God there never is true isolation. With God our burdens become His when we rely on Him alone.

So today, with that in mind, I enjoyed the quietness of the hallway. It was refreshing to my spirit as I sat there on the cold floor. And I loved it.

Lonely out of necessity.
Lonely out of desire.
Lonely to keep me pure.
Lonely to keep me right

Flittery thoughts

I won't lie. This winter has been rough. Between the isolation and the cold my depression hasn't been managed completely this winter. Some days are rougher than others. Some days are wonderful. It's those wonderful days that I cherish. 

When I get down or when I have a lot on my mind I tend to write poems. I'm not the best poet but at least it clears my mind. I thought I would like to share one of those poems here. 


Flittery Thoughts

Oh, the things that go through my mind. 
Sometimes they make me crazy. 
Sometimes they keep me sane.

Little do I know what will pop up next. 
Flitter here and there, erupting without notice.
It's up to me to control them. 
Oh they wiggle and squirm, the play hide and seek 
Just to keep me from stopping them.

I need to enlist - 
One that is bigger, stronger and more focused than I. 

My God is bigger. 
My God is smarter. 
My God is more discerning. 

These wiggly, flittery thoughts run and hide till another day.
They are smart, they know whose boss. 
They know when the big guns are out.
 
I am weak but in His strength can I rely. 
That makes me smart too.

What depression has taught me

Depression can be a horrible thing. It can affect you in more ways than you can count. It affects those around you and those you have to interact with. If you are a stay at home mom it can be even worse. The crying for no reason, the lack of caring about life and friends and family, the lack of caring about anything can be bad enough individually but when added together they can be devastating. It is easy to say just do this or just do that and you'll feel better. My sister used to tell me to just smile more. HA! That is a laugh. When you are so sad that you wish life would end there is truly nothing to smile about.

After my oldest was born I had postpartum depression very badly for about 3-4 months. My sister was my strong hold during that time. She took care of my newborn while I sat and cried. Then the depression went away and I was happy once again. It was a horrible time. I never wanted to feel like that again. Then it came back, years later. I have been dealing with depression for almost 15 years now. I guess the signs were always there, even as a child, but it really showed it's true colors after I had a full hysterectomy to get rid of endometriosis. The endometriosis was taken care of but I did not expect the depression that followed. The desires to live life just disappeared. My love for life and love for friends dwindled. Sometimes it would get better and I would feel normal once again. The feeling would not last though. The depression always had this hold on me that I could not shake. It has become part of who I am and it is something I must deal with. I'm not surprised though. My family has struggled with depression as far back as I can remember. My mom was in and out of psychiatric hospitals since before I was born. Some of my sisters and brothers struggle with it also. So you see, I have experience. I wish I didn't though. I know God has a plan for it and I try to see His plan, even though I have no idea what it is.

Over the last 20 years I have found something things that depression has taught me. I would like to share that here. My hope and my prayer is that you would find some healing and some comfort from these words. I pray that you will put some of these things into action. I pray that you will find that depression can have a lighter grasp on you; or better yet, no grasp at all.

1 - Prayer - Talking to the One, True God has helped me. It helps me focus my mind on something else besides my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and distracting. Feelings are misleading and confusing. God clears my mind and helps me see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. He helps me see Him through the darkness. He has a purpose in my life and I cling to His purpose.

2 - God's Word - Reading Scriptures also is great for refocusing. Even better though, it is great for learning. When we learn something new we feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of revelation. In His Word we find His purpose for us. We find His guidance and His comfort. I live to find that. In Scriptures you can see how others have dealt with things not going well. You see how God dealt with them and dealt with the situations. Job is actually quite uplifting for me. It shows me how life can dump on you and by clinging to God life isn't so bad after all. Joseph is also a great person to read about. Life was harsh on him, for no reason of his own. God protected him through his life and blessed him greatly as the years went by. God blessed him because Joseph trusted in, leaned on, and found comfort in God.

3 - Do something. Move. Get up. Do not just sit there. When we move and do things our body creates chemicals that help us feel better. It also gives us something for our mind to think about instead of feeling crappy.

4 - Talk to people - I know it's the last thing you might want to do. It usually is for me. It is helpful though. I'm not talking about a counselor or talking about your feelings (by the way - remember they can be misleading). I'm talking about call a friend or text your neighbor - just to say hi or talk about the latest book or movie. Talk about anything! Just talk. It seriously does help.

5 - Take your meds - If you have meds take them as prescribed. If you are taking them and they are not working then talk to your doctor. DO NOT just stop talking them! I know that when I skip a day or two or three I can feel myself drifting further away. I can feel the sadness, the coldness, the aloneness reaching out and pulling me closer. It is not a good feeling.

6 - Find a hobby - If you are like me, a stay at home mom (or dad,) the quietness and time alone can be suffocating. You can only read so many books, do so many puzzles, watch so many shows. Find something that you like to do to pass the time. Scrapbooks, build models, start a blog, knit or crochet, volunteer, etc...

7 - Get an animal - Having something to take care of helps give you purpose. Sometimes, kids can be draining, especially if you are depressed. Having an animal (even a low maintenance ones like hamsters or birds) help because they create noise which livens things up, give you something to focus on and take care of, give you something to talk to even when no one answers their phone, and help you feel needed.

8 - Go outside - Sunlight is amazing! The sun's light helps our bodies make Vitamin D. It helps our sleep cycle and on sunny days, the brain produces more of the mood-lifting chemical serotonin than on darker days. Going outside also gives us a change of scenery therefore giving our brains something else to think about and focus on. (Combining #3 and #4 with this and you have a great mood lifter!).

9 - Go for a walk - outside - In out small town I have a lot of local places I can walk to. I hate walking with no purpose so having a store, a library, or a restaurant to go to gives me a reason to go outside. If you do not have anywhere to walk to set a time limit and get a book on tape or music to listen to while you walk. Walking does a number of things. Exercise, change of scenery, gets you out in the sun, takes away boredom, and gives you an opportunity to visit someplace or someone.

10 - Turn on the radio - Our local music station (www.Klove.com which I LOVE by the way) encourages people to listen to nothing but Christian music for 30 days as it helps uplift your spirit and increases positive outlooks on life. Listening to music that is harsh or dark or loud can actually help further those overwhelming feelings and worsen depression.

11 - Break the Monotony - Doing that same thing over and over again does not give your brain something new to think about. Break it up - change the way you do something - use your non-dominate hand to eat or cut your meat, do something backwards instead of the way you usually do it, if you walk daily take a different route - anything different helps.
Doing tedious things is very similar to monotony mentioned above... change it up if you can. If you can't, stop doing it for a bit to give your mind a break. 

12 - Sleep - Sometimes sleep is easily to get other times sleep is eludes us... Not sleeping makes things so much worse. It is vital that sleep happens. Sleep gives our brains time to rest and regroup. It helps our bodies calm down and re-energize. Waking up after a good night's sleep allows us to look at things from a new perspective. Oversleeping can do just the opposite and can worsen depression. I like to aim for a normal scheduled sleep pattern. Set an alarm if you have to. 8 hours is recommended.

I have listed quite a few things here and it can be overwhelming to think you have to all these things when you really do not feel like doing any of them. I know how that feels. Start small. Do one thing mentioned above today. Tomorrow do something different on the list. You do not have to do them all. I only mentioned them all because I have found over time that these have helped me the most.
NO MATTER WHAT - taking meds should not be an option. Take them. Every day. As prescribed.
If you do not have a prescription or do not have medical insurance medication can be too expensive to get. Try taking St. John's Wort. There have been studies done that shows the benefits of St. John's Wort with depression. I take it daily. It helps me. Talk to your doctor about taking it first.

Depression can be overwhelming and suffocation and horrible. It doesn't have to be. God doesn't want it to be. He is there to help you through this. He does more then hold your hand or give you a few kind words of comfort. He uplifts your spirit in ways I cannot even begin to describe. He gives you purpose and guidance and comfort and healing... In His Word there is so much to absorb and be a part of. It's not just a book to read. It's how He talks to us and by reading it we commune with Him.

Depression doesn't have to horrible. It can be a catalyst for better feelings if you make it, if you allow God to change it.

Thanks for reading.