This year.... it certainly has been rough. In July I had a car accident. It changed everything. I thought at first I was healing and recovering so nicely. I thought "Oh, I got this covered. I'm going to be back to normal really soon. It is not going to take me 6 - 12 months to heal...." Well, that was a delusion. The bumps and bruises went away fairly quickly. The aches and pains have not yet. That has made this past year a rough year. I thought I was used to living in pain. I have fibromyalgia. I have had it since I was 7. I have had broken bones, sprains, strains, pulled ligaments and tendons... you name it. I have had daily pain, daily migraines for a long time. I thought I can deal with this. I am having a hard time though. My muscles are so tight I can stretch out my leg without wincing and limping. Knots make it seem like I am leaning on rocks. Migraines are a common occurrence again. It's hard to drive, hard to sit and hard to stand - some times. Not all the time. Some days are far worse than others... Some days I feel as if I am perfectly normal. I live for those days.
Pain can take over your mind. It makes you think things you never wished a person would think. In fact you would wish no one EVER thought such things! Thankfully I have not gone down that path. Thoughts do cross my mind but never hurting myself in any fashion. Never suicide. Thankfully. Some do though. Some do.
That makes me think about others who suffer so. I do not wonder how people can think of suicide as a way out anymore. Some days, anything to end the pain might sound nice. It's not something anyone actually thinks will be best but pain clouds the mind. It clouds perception.
There is physical pain and emotional pain... I wonder which is worse. I wonder which is more devastating.
Emotional pain can seem so much worse... it brings with it despair, loneliness, lack of worth... it brings with it a degrading quality. It feeds upon itself. What is one to do? Physical pain can be bad enough. Emotional pain is worse I think. When you combine both you get a possibly lethal combination.
I praise the Lord daily that both my physical and emotional pains have been kept at bay enough not to lead me down a destructive path. I praise the Lord daily that He has given me the blessing of a wonderful family; a husband who loves me and will do anything to help me and children who are attentive and caring and helpful not to mention loving. It's on my worst day they make it possible to continue.
I pray for those who feel they are not blessed because they can no longer see the blessings around them. Their eyes are clouded with agony, with loneliness, with emotional devastation. My heart goes out to them. I pray for them. May they know that there is one who does not know them but prays for them. One that cares for them. One that wishes they would seek the Father above for comfort. Only in HIS comfort do we find strength!
That is what gives me strength. Some days I do not want to get up. Some days I do not want to teach, to clean, or to do anything productive. But it's those days that God shows me how much He loves me. He blesses me with loved ones and family. He wraps His arms around me ad holds me tight, never letting go. He brings me comfort and peace like nothing else on Earth can!
As I write this I know it sounds like I am depressed today. That is far from the truth. Oh, I have been in the past. I have been so badly that I wanted nothing in life, not even my newborn child. I have been so badly depressed I wish life would just cease to be. It's in those times that I needed to reach to the Father and grasp His loving hand that is reaching for me.
I pray that those who are depressed today might see this and that they might know there IS hope and His name is Jesus.
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