wow it's been ages

Hi people! Ok, so it really has been ages since I have blogged. tonight I'm not really up to it but I feel like I should, so here I am.
Things lately have been sort of strange on my end. Even though I may seem fine, physically, I am most assuredly not fine emotionally. Most every one who knows me knows I have depression due to a chemical imbalance. It is not fun, nor easy to deal with. I have had to switch medications numerous times because I am sensitive to the side effects or the meds just don't work for me. You can just imagine how frustrating this can be for me and my doctors. lol I guess the most frustrating part of all this is tryint to trust in the Lord.

Some days it is easy to trust Him. Some days I seem to have an overabundance amount of trust for my Saviour. Other days I wonder how things will get better and what I did to deserve having this issue. Some days I hate my life and I hate being depressed and I hate God for allowing me to become depressed. But no matter what kind of day I find myself having I know that God, the Creator of the universe, loves me enough to die for my sins so that I can spend eternity with Him. Now that is an enormous amount of love. Even on my worst days that alone helps pull me through.

I don't mention any of this to get people to pity me or feel bad for me. I mention it to get people a reality check. Life is hard but God is there for each one of us no matter if we ask Him to be or not.

Life with depression is not easy. It makes it difficult to be a wife, to be a mom, to be a homeschooling teacher, to be of use to the Lord. When I was little I watched my mom go through stages of depression and manic episodes. She was in the hospital quite a lot. I remember visiting her in the hospital while she was under psychiatric care. They, the docs, diagnosed her as a manic-depressive, today that is referred to as being bi-polar. Let me tell you, it's not easy to live with. One moment she was in the best mood, the next she was beating the daylights out of us, her children - literally beating us. She could be laughing and playing with us in the morning and by lunch time she would be full of anger and hate. She cried a lot at night. I never really knew why. Now I do. For some reason, maybe because she didn't take her meds the way she was supposed to - I don't know, her moods never seemed to stabilize until all her kids were in foster care. Even then her moods didn't stay normal. She suffered quite a lot while she was alive. I regret how things were with my mother while I was a kid. Maybe being able to go through some of what she went through with depression was the only way I would understand and sympathize with her. I don't know. Whatever reason I have depression now & the fact is it is not going away by itself. It's here. I have to deal with it.

I guess you might be wondering why I am writing this? Well, for a very particular reason. (Which is more for me then for you actually. lol) Life is hard for everyone. Not only me. Not only you. It is not going to get better by sitting on our tush and doing nothing about it. One cannot wish things better without actually doing something to improve their situation. Like tonight, I am depressed, I have been all day. I have been for days now. I have fought tears all day. But what do I do? I refuse to sit around and cry. I was able to be blessed by a wonderful friend who came over today and colored my hair for me. I was able to see another friend who stopped by also. Having people around, even though I did not feel like actually have anyone here, helped me feel better. Tonight, instead of crying I got out my hair accessories and braided my hair. Doing so made me feel better about myself and brightened up my spirits. Even though it did not take away the depression it did make it easier to deal with.

So you see, life is hard, but you don't have to sit around and let it be. Prayer is always the answer!!! I have prayed all day that I would feel better. I have prayed all day that God would help me through the day. God has given me the desire to do something about my situation and not sit around moping. Do I still feel depressed? Yes. Do I still want to cry for no reason? Yes. Am I crying? No. Why? What will that help? It won't. Now I'm not saying that if I cried that would be a bad things either. If I cried that would be ok but it's not helping me feel any better, now is it? No. God has given me a huge desire not to sit idly by and watch my life pass me. God has given me a huge desire to be happy even when the chemicals in my body make the very difficult to do so. When life seems to be falling around me and life seems to be bringing me down, the only place to look is up. Looking up brings me to look at my Saviour. If He could have endured what He did here on Earth, the beatings, the ridicule the mocking, having His Father - part of himself - look away from him, then I can deal with a little sadness.

On your worst days try to remember that others out there are worse off then you. Try to to remember that you can always chose how to proceed with your life. Will you chose to sit and wallow in self pity? Will you allow your feelings to control your life? I personally refuse to do that. I pray you do also. Only God has been my strength and I know from experience that ONLY God can ever be my strength. I have leaned on others and other things before to help me through my difficult times. All have failed to help but God has never failed, nor will He ever fail. So, on you worst days, lean on Him for He will hold you up.

Whatever you do, please do not feel sorry for me having depression. It is what it is. Let's move on. I'm trying to.  :o)