A Courting Perspective

A Courting Perspective



Courtship: Do's and Don'ts?

Courtship starts with a mindset, not a list of rules of do's and don'ts. If I had to list some though it might look a little like this:

* meeting in public places or with groups of people
* limiting physical touch to minimize temptations. (some restrict to the point of only hand holding, this is a personal choice. IMO a peck on the cheek in front of others ONLY after courting for a few months is ok. Hand holding and hugging - short and sweet - are ok too after a while of courting. Neither the pec k on the cheek nor the physical contact should take focus in the relationship.)
* Alone time is minimized and family ALWAYS knows where you are going and who you are with.

As with any parenting issue open communication with parents is a must. This has to start young because by the time your child is of courting age they have already determined how they interact with you and you really cannot change that without some MAJOR work. lol

Each parent must decide for their own family what their courting rules will be. Some have the contracts that must be signed, chaperones at every meeting, no touching and so forth. For me though, I think that is a bit of over kill. When we restrict our children too much they will end up just rebelling. I have seen it happen way too often.

What is your definition of courtship?

Courtship has the end goal of marriage. Dating is enjoying each others company (may or may not include physically touch) with no real end goal but rather a "let's see where this goes" attitude. Sometimes dating leads to marriage, sometimes (more often then not) it does not lead to marriage but rather break ups, which can be very harsh - especially on young hormonal girls.

Courtship usually includes a mature perspective looking towards their own future and keeping God as their focus. It may (usually does) include the families, not just the participants in the courtship relationship. This does not mean always having a chaperone and always being surrounded by family. It means realizing that, since marriage is the end goal, one's family will be part of the relationship also.

The families' roles are not for spying or making anyone uncomfortable. They are not there to sit in between you and your date so nothing happens. They are there for guidance, protection, to help keep one from entering into a sinful act and so forth.
Courting is usually done (from what I have seen and read) in public places where the opportunities to be close and personal (intimate) are difficult to come by therefore helping to keep the participants from falling into sin. Having family around helps keep one's mind focused properly.

Courtship is a preparation for marriage, dating is not. One does not enter a courtship relationship until the two have been friends for some time and are more serious about (and mature enough for) marriage. Courtship is not entered into lightly.,

For me, the problem with dating is the emotional connection, which can (but does not always) lead to physical touch. You get attached, emotionally, to the person you are dating. When you break up those feelings do not just simply go away. You now have emotional baggage being brought into the next relationship. This can cause confusion, comparisons, uncomfortable expectations, desire to live up to those expectations that may be unrealistic and more.

When one's mind is focused on Christ courting can be a beautiful experience which brings two people together in unity. Although I did not court my husband, I wish I did. Having dated others prior to our dating (some 22 years ago) I can see now how it has affected our relationship over time. We have two sons, 20 (on Friday) and 17 years old. Neither have dated (nor really have wanted to yet) and I pray that they both choose to court instead.

Courtship: Pros and Cons?

more focused on who and why you want the relationship helps one be more selective in choosing someone to be in the relationship with. It also helps one realize the end goal is marriage so they are more mindful of sinful trappings. That is why I prefer my sons enter courting relationships and not date anyone.

Dating seems to be more emotionally charged which leads to the heart leading, not the mind leading. This can lead to temptations getting the better of a person and that person falling into sin. Since the heart and emotions take the lead in dating there is more baggage carried from one relationship to the next, even when physical intimacy has not been a concern. Just the emotions attached to the person one dated are enough to create unwelcome baggage which can (and usually does) create comparisons, higher or lower expectations of the partner or one"s self, fear of refusal, peer pressures and so forth. It can also lead to a desire to be alone more often due to the listening to hormonal urges we are all drawn to increasing risk of physical intimacy.

The only pro I can see in dating is getting to meet more people and find out what NOT to do in relationships.

Courting avoids some of the dating cons. It brings with it some wonderful pros too. It brings one focused on their future and their future relationships and long term life goals. It brings maturity and assurity, self respect and self discipline. It brings focus and accountability. More important it brings a relationship based a deeper understanding of the other person and not focused on physical desires.

It also, when trained according to the Word of God, brings a clearer understanding of Scripture as to how and why to court instead of date. 

EDIT:
Both sets of parents need to be on the same page. They both need to be committed to teaching their children about the differences and dangers of dating/courting AND they need to be committed to following through with whatever rules they set forth for their children.

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This is my perspective as Scripture teaches. If you see where I am Scripturally wrong please point it out and give me Scripture to back up your perspective. Thank you.

For the girl that wants to date my son

For the girl that wants to date my son. 

We encourage you to get to know us as a family; our likes and dislikes, our morals and values, our rules and beliefs; get to know who we are and what we are made out of. For in them you will see what our son is truly like. In turn we want to get to know you. We want you to know that we are interested in you and your life, your family and your dreams. We want you to know why we do not allow dating.

Dating is a tricky subject for many families. Some do not mind it at all. Some think it’s cute and adorable. Some joke about it from a young age and some refuse to discuss it until a child reaches “the right age”. Some hate but tolerate it and some refuse to allow it. Some people just don't feel one way or the other; it's just something one does and eventually one gets married. Everyone seems to have an opinion about how it should be done and everyone seems to think their opinion is the right one. Even though some say they don't have an opinion, everyone really does.

Dating can be called many things; hooking up, hanging out, going steady, being exclusive, seeing, being into and so forth. Some even call their version of dating courting. Courting and dating, in my opinion are way different. Dating has a perception that one could ‘date’ anyone without repercussions, without expectations, without damaging results. Dating has a purpose of enjoying who you are with and feeling good in the relationship. Dating is very selfish. I see no specific purpose other than feeling good; about yourself and about who you are dating. Dating can involve reaching all the ‘bases’ including sex. Hands grope, lips kiss, people mauling, pawing and putting aside one’s personal space is very common. Dating is very self focused. I dated when I was young. I remember the feelings coursing through my mind, my body, causing me to forgo the teachings of my parents, the teachings of the Bible.

Courting, however, has a specific purpose in mind; marriage. With courting you are seeking out a lifelong partner. You are just as interested in the other person’s long term relationship as you are in yours. God is the focus and God is doing the leading; at least one would hope so. Getting to know each other is the focus. It involves looking beyond the now, looking beyond our flesh and seeing the future; or at least trying to envision it. Courting involves both families, not just the teens or young adults. There is a saying that when you marry someone you don’t just marry them; you marry their whole family. I think that is right. When you are married you are now accepted into the family fold. Getting to know the family of the person you are courting just makes sense if you are looking for a future with them. Courting means waiting. When we are able to put our fleshly desires aside and we are able to focus on creating a lifelong bond. We can see the person for who they are and not what they can do for us it makes a big difference. We can develop that emotional and spiritual bond that goes beyond the physical. The physical only lasts for so long sometimes, but a bond brought forth in friendship lasts much longer.  

Courting is God focused. Our family tries to as God focused as we can. We are a fun family who values people and friendships. We all have ministries that we love even if the world doesn't consider them 'ministries'. We find joy in the little things in life, a walk in the park, going for a drive, eating ice cream sundaes, building with Keva Planks. We enjoy talking to each other, keeping each other with things, building each other up. We enjoy laughing and being silly. We enjoy sarcasm. We enjoy reading God's Word, church, family movies, and good books. We enjoy life without the drama.

Our family is God focused. So, beautiful young lady, if you are interested in courting our son know that my heart wants to welcome you.