A Courting Perspective

A Courting Perspective



Courtship: Do's and Don'ts?

Courtship starts with a mindset, not a list of rules of do's and don'ts. If I had to list some though it might look a little like this:

* meeting in public places or with groups of people
* limiting physical touch to minimize temptations. (some restrict to the point of only hand holding, this is a personal choice. IMO a peck on the cheek in front of others ONLY after courting for a few months is ok. Hand holding and hugging - short and sweet - are ok too after a while of courting. Neither the pec k on the cheek nor the physical contact should take focus in the relationship.)
* Alone time is minimized and family ALWAYS knows where you are going and who you are with.

As with any parenting issue open communication with parents is a must. This has to start young because by the time your child is of courting age they have already determined how they interact with you and you really cannot change that without some MAJOR work. lol

Each parent must decide for their own family what their courting rules will be. Some have the contracts that must be signed, chaperones at every meeting, no touching and so forth. For me though, I think that is a bit of over kill. When we restrict our children too much they will end up just rebelling. I have seen it happen way too often.

What is your definition of courtship?

Courtship has the end goal of marriage. Dating is enjoying each others company (may or may not include physically touch) with no real end goal but rather a "let's see where this goes" attitude. Sometimes dating leads to marriage, sometimes (more often then not) it does not lead to marriage but rather break ups, which can be very harsh - especially on young hormonal girls.

Courtship usually includes a mature perspective looking towards their own future and keeping God as their focus. It may (usually does) include the families, not just the participants in the courtship relationship. This does not mean always having a chaperone and always being surrounded by family. It means realizing that, since marriage is the end goal, one's family will be part of the relationship also.

The families' roles are not for spying or making anyone uncomfortable. They are not there to sit in between you and your date so nothing happens. They are there for guidance, protection, to help keep one from entering into a sinful act and so forth.
Courting is usually done (from what I have seen and read) in public places where the opportunities to be close and personal (intimate) are difficult to come by therefore helping to keep the participants from falling into sin. Having family around helps keep one's mind focused properly.

Courtship is a preparation for marriage, dating is not. One does not enter a courtship relationship until the two have been friends for some time and are more serious about (and mature enough for) marriage. Courtship is not entered into lightly.,

For me, the problem with dating is the emotional connection, which can (but does not always) lead to physical touch. You get attached, emotionally, to the person you are dating. When you break up those feelings do not just simply go away. You now have emotional baggage being brought into the next relationship. This can cause confusion, comparisons, uncomfortable expectations, desire to live up to those expectations that may be unrealistic and more.

When one's mind is focused on Christ courting can be a beautiful experience which brings two people together in unity. Although I did not court my husband, I wish I did. Having dated others prior to our dating (some 22 years ago) I can see now how it has affected our relationship over time. We have two sons, 20 (on Friday) and 17 years old. Neither have dated (nor really have wanted to yet) and I pray that they both choose to court instead.

Courtship: Pros and Cons?

more focused on who and why you want the relationship helps one be more selective in choosing someone to be in the relationship with. It also helps one realize the end goal is marriage so they are more mindful of sinful trappings. That is why I prefer my sons enter courting relationships and not date anyone.

Dating seems to be more emotionally charged which leads to the heart leading, not the mind leading. This can lead to temptations getting the better of a person and that person falling into sin. Since the heart and emotions take the lead in dating there is more baggage carried from one relationship to the next, even when physical intimacy has not been a concern. Just the emotions attached to the person one dated are enough to create unwelcome baggage which can (and usually does) create comparisons, higher or lower expectations of the partner or one"s self, fear of refusal, peer pressures and so forth. It can also lead to a desire to be alone more often due to the listening to hormonal urges we are all drawn to increasing risk of physical intimacy.

The only pro I can see in dating is getting to meet more people and find out what NOT to do in relationships.

Courting avoids some of the dating cons. It brings with it some wonderful pros too. It brings one focused on their future and their future relationships and long term life goals. It brings maturity and assurity, self respect and self discipline. It brings focus and accountability. More important it brings a relationship based a deeper understanding of the other person and not focused on physical desires.

It also, when trained according to the Word of God, brings a clearer understanding of Scripture as to how and why to court instead of date. 

EDIT:
Both sets of parents need to be on the same page. They both need to be committed to teaching their children about the differences and dangers of dating/courting AND they need to be committed to following through with whatever rules they set forth for their children.

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This is my perspective as Scripture teaches. If you see where I am Scripturally wrong please point it out and give me Scripture to back up your perspective. Thank you.

I urge you, be that man.

The man I want you to become....

I dreamed of a man who would sweep me off my feet and make me feel special every day of my life. I dreamed of a man whom I could live my whole life with knowing I was secure in his love. Prince Charming comes to mind.

Instead I have a man who is so much more. Through dirty cloth-diapers washed by his hands, scrubbing vomit out of the carpets at 3 am, comforting children screaming from night terrors... through Asperger's, Moebius, allergies, meltdowns, hissy fits, fibromyalgia, depression and debilitating migraines... through surgeries, therapies, unending doctor appointments... I have a man who has thrived. He is so much more than Prince Charming. He is so much more than I ever dreamed.

Be that man. Be so much more.

Being a man does not come from your genes. It comes from commitment and love and selflessness. It comes from within.

Be that man. Commit to your marriage. Commit to your love. Commit to being selfless. Commit to your wife. Commit to your children.

Know that a man will hold a crying baby at 3 in the morning so his wife can rest. They will  bandage skinned knees, wipe tears away, hold the Kleenex for a booger-filled nose. A man will tell his sick wife (who hasn't showered all day and looks like she just got run over) how beautiful she is. A man will hold her close and tell her that he will make dinner tonight and put the kids to bed.

A real man will desire a woman who is modest in her clothing. He will know that true beauty is inside and that by her covering herself she is respecting the temple of God. He will not compare her to others because he knows that degrades her. He will show her his love through his actions, not just his words.

A real man will read Scriptures to his wife while she does the dishes. A man will help with those very same dishes. On days that the house is a mess and the wife is exhausted a real man will bring home KFC or take the kids to McDonald's. If money is tight, as it often is, that man will just make hot dogs and mac and cheese for the kids instead.

A man knows that in order to raise children who will become wonderful spouses he must first be one himself. If he ever desires his children to have healthy relationships he must model that for them.

He will show his wife he loves her in front of the kids. He will act out that love in his daily interactions. He will talk kindly about her to his children. His friends will know he loves her. His friends will know that through problems he will persevere.

A real man knows that family comes with messes, disagreements and chaos. A man won't mind that as he knows it's only temporary. He knows that anything worth keeping will require struggling through the messes, chaos and disagreements. He knows that struggling through will strengthen him and his family.

He knows putting God before all is what makes it all worth while. He knows that by leaning on the Savior he can stand tall.

So, my sons, I urge you, be that man.