Friendship

Tonight I sit here thinking about friendship. What does it mean to be a friend?

Webster’s online dictionary defines it this way.

friend

noun \ˈfrend\

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)

Friendship is defined as this:

friend·ship

noun \ˈfren(d)-ˌship\

: the state of being friends : the relationship between friends

: a friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone

So friendship seems to be two fold; according to how I read the above.

1 – to be a friend to others

2 – someone being a friend to you.

Scripture, according the Bible dictionary I have, says a friend is one who associates familiarly with one, a companion, an associate, a friend, to be friendly to one, to wish him well. 

From everything I can find in the dictionary and in Scriptures being a friend is the most important part of friendship. Reaching out to others, being kind, helpful, attentive, nurturing, caring, and considerate are general traits in being a friend. 

In today’s world people have put aside the traditional way of being friends. Yes, I know, we all change as time goes on. I get that. With technology, the way we are friends changes also. Texting, facebook’s newfeed wall, private facebook messages, instagram, twitter. It all has become so impersonal, so cold. 

Where did the phone calls go?

Where did the letters in the mail go?

How about stopping by someone’s house for a visit?

When things are said online they can be easily misconstrued and they lack emotions; voice inflections, facial expressions.

When I was growing up my parents were the “old” ones. They were older than any of my friends’ parents. They not only were older, they were ‘old school’ too. We earned what we had, we ate what we were served, and we were respectful and caring and helpful. We did not have caller id or call waiting; no computers or VHS players. I was not allowed to be on the phone much and I was encouraged to go visit my friends instead of calling them. I do not see that with kids today. I find that sad.

Friendships have become electronic. The teens I do see that do hang out with each other, do so because of convenience. When a person no longer fits their  perceived need or has offended them in some way, they are unfriended on facebook, blocked on the cell phone or ignored in person. What happened to fixing the friendship? I don’t know.

I started this blog upset. I usually type when I am upset or when things are on my mind. Tonight is no different. In fact, while everyone is sleeping, I find myself mulling things over in my head. As I sit here typing God works on my heart. Tonight is no exception. He has taught me some lessons writing this blog tonight. For that I am thankful.

Over the last few months I have been trying to figure out what exactly friendship is and what you can expect out of it. Do you know what I can come up with? Friendship starts with us – you, me, individually. Christ didn’t say to wait for others to be friends. He didn’t say to expect friendships. He didn’t say to hang on to friendships. He said to strive to be like Him. He gave us the best example there is. He was patient when it was needed, caring, attentive, nurturing, thoughtful, and yet harsh, straight forward and truthful at times.

Even though friendship starts with us it is joined by another. The two interact and complement each other.

Friendships are not easy at times. They are not at all perfect. We are humans and we are all messed up to some degree. When that happens we need to be understanding of one another. If there is a problem we need to go to that person with compassion and a heartfelt desire to fix the wrongs; even if it was us who were in the wrong. When things do go wrong we need to forgive. Christ is the best example of that. In all we try to do right we sin every day despite our best efforts. Christ forgives us every time we repent. How much more are we to forgive those who trespass against us? 

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21&22(KJV)

I urge you to reach out to your friends. It’s hard when it’s so cold out and you don’t want to go anywhere. Cabin fever sets in and the loneliness feeds itself. Reaching out to your friends not only makes you feel better it might just make them feel better too. If someone reaches out to you, don’t just dismiss them. Accept their effort; don’t dismiss it and shun them. Don’t think they are doing ok, just because you are. They truly may not be doing well at all.

Lift others up and guide them to Christ. It’s in our down times that we forget to look up. Sometimes we only need a friend to help guide us.

Hold your friendships dear.

Love them, cherish them, encourage them.

Everyone needs a friend.

Sensory issues comes in all sizes

Sensory issues...

Sensory processing disorders are classified into three broad categories:
       Sensory modulation disorder (SMD)
       Sensory-based motor disorder (SBMD)
       Sensory discrimination disorder (SDD)

When my kids were diagnosed they were told it was simply a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) so that is what I call it.  I do not know what category we all fall into.

No matter what you call it, it disrupts life all around it. The person who has it is affected. Those who live with the affected person are affected by it. Those who interact with the affected person are affected by it. It is non-discriminatory; be it by age, race or gender.

SPD is not fun... for anyone...

This is our story.

Having a child with SPD was bad enough. Having a spouse with it is not easy but livable. Realizing you have SPD yourself is even worse. For me at least.

Between the brightness of the lights, the loudness of tapping, the touching of fabrics life can be tortuous at times to some. For us, most of our issues are mild compared to some I have talked to. Adam's are the worst out of all of us though. Taste, sight, hearing, touching, smelling... it all can be too much. The melt downs happen, the frustrations and anger when things just do not stop. The bombardment of sensory inputs can be so overwhelming and almost scary at times. The pain it can bring can be bothersome to some - debilitating for others. Shutting down or lashing out are just some of the reactions sensory overloads can bring. They can ruin an entire day. A day that has been filled with joy and excitement can be ruined with a 5 minute sensory bombardment in the car ride home after too long of a day out and about; setting off hours of unexpected meltdowns. Cooking becomes laborious as you try to accommodate the varied sensory issues. One will not eat this, another will not eat that. One can feel the seams inside his shirt. Another can't take the noise of talking or the radio. It's not a matter of being picky it's a matter of too much sensory input. Outsiders think you are a push over and too accommodating but only you know what goes on behind closed doors. Only you know what the meltdowns are really like. How do you cope when one child has SPD? Worse though, how do you deal with your whole family having it? That is our story. I hope my insight can help you.

My family - my hubby, myself and my 2 boys - all have our own SPD story, our own sensory problems. Each one is a bit different and each one is a bit similar to the others. Some are bothered by textures others by sounds. Some need to make noise others like it quiet. Some have outgrown their issues some have not. My boys are now 18 and 16. Over the last 18 years I have learned so much about SPD but I still have much to learn. This is my list of how SPD fits into your life, and how it has helped us treasure life even more.

1 - It is what it is - don't fight it. Life is full of issues that we need to address. There are problems at every turn. Sensory issues do not have cause fights. Understanding the needs of each individual goes a long way in living peacefully.

2 - There are ways to accommodate - Doing what you can to help alleviate any sensory overloads and in turn preventing meltdowns can be (and should be) done. If one likes to tap see if tapping on something soft will satisfy that sensory need. This will help those who are sound sensitive as tapping can be very irritating.

3 - It can improve - Given time and given therapies things do improve. One can learn how to handle their own sensory issues so that they do not affect their life as harshly anymore. Learning the sensory needs of those around you also can help make you more understanding and more willing to accommodate.

4 - Never stop searching - Never stop searching for ways to improve yourself and overcome your sensory needs. I know one cannot overcome all sensory issues but over time one may be able to learn to live with them so they are not as bothersome. For me, I do not like some fabrics so I avoid them. I am light sensitive so I keep sunglasses with me almost all the time. Never stop searching for help if you need it. Never stop searching within you to cope. Never stop seeking God's help. Never stop, that's the key.

5 - Never think of it as a curse - A curse is something that is burdensome. Since your sensory issues are part of you, or part of a loved one, they are cannot be seen as burdensome without the person who has them seeming burdensome too. It is a package deal. One cannot live without the other as they cannot be separated. This one goes with # 1. It is what it is. Accept it and move on. Each part of a person's personality can be seen as a blessing, if you look at it the right way. Your sensory issues may seem like they hold you back but they might just be showing you something better. For me, the light makes it difficult to see well. Shades help me focus better and I can see sharper with them. Not a curse, a blessing of clarity.

6 - Move on in friendships - Some people just cannot get past those idiosyncrasies sensory issues bring. Some people cannot see the real you and therefore cannot appreciate you as much. You cannot change them so move on. Now, that doesn't mean drop those friends. Some may have to go but for the most part I see that if people desire to understand the sensory issues friendships can flourish. If someone is too bothered by them or does not want to work to understand then their friendship isn't as true as it may seem. That's ok though. The world is full of more beautiful people who are understanding.

7 - God does not create mistakes - In all things God creates wonder. We are created in His image. If we are created in the image of God how then can we be mistakes just because we have a few sensory issues? Does God have sensory issues too? Well, that's not exactly what I mean when I say 'in His image'. God makes no mistakes but this world is a sinful world and with sin comes problems. Since the fall of man, in the Garden of Eden, sin is indwelt in each of us. The moment we are born we are filled with the possibilities of sinning. Just as sin causes problems without behavior it causes problems in our bodies too. That is why there is disease.  Our bodies are decaying and we will eventually die. There is cancer, diabetes, cerebral palsy, birth defects and many more things that can go wrong with the human body, just add sensory issues to that list. It's NOT a mistake, it's a result.

8 - You are amazingly, fearfully and wonderfully made  - Psalm 139:14 shows us this. He knows the number of hairs on your head and counts you more value then sparrows. See Matthew 10:30. If He, God himself, values us to be so precious how can we disagree? He is the Creator of the universe and all that is in it after all.

No matter what sensory issues your children have take time each day to rejoice in who they are, not what they have. If you focus on the what you miss the who. Before you know it they are all grown up and you have missed their childhood.

Loneliness - A Spiritual Tool

Loneliness, Loneliness - It can be suffocating.

Sometimes one can isolate one's self intentionally. Sometimes it just happens without one even realizing it is happening. I have felt lonely on and off for months now. That is part of depression. But that is not what this blog post is about. Today I want to talk about what I like to call "Intentional Loneliness."

There comes a time when we must choose how to behave. Every person has this choice. We find ourselves facing this multiple times, often in one day. Sometimes it simple choices sometimes it is a matter of choosing to sin.


Sinning is a choice. Sometimes it's an intentional choice others we do it without even thinking.
When that happens we need to take action.


Today, I found myself sitting alone in the hallway at church. In the past I have done this because of loneliness. Feeling alone in a crowded room with people I know and call my friends. Then, there are times like today. Nothing was wrong. I felt no disconnect with those around me. I enjoyed the conversations and I enjoyed the fellowship. So, why would I be sitting in the hallway, by myself, enjoying the loneliness?

Loneliness can be a spiritual tool. Today I used that tool. I do not tell you this to toot my own horn or to puff myself up and make myself look good in front of you. I tell you this so that you also may use this tool.

I have a sin issue. We all do, I know that. My sin issue is that I am easy to jump on the gossip bandwagon.  It is entertaining to talk, with no harming intentions at all, with no desires to spread unredeeming words of another. But it is the mouth that spews words before we think.

Matthew 15:18 says "But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.".

I wish to never defile another, much less myself. I know I have done just that in the past though. I know that I am not capable of being sinless. I know that trying to be sinless takes work. If being lonely can help me sin less then I must do it.

So, I chose to sit in the hallway today rather then run into the possibility of sinning.

No one ever said being a Christian was easy. No one ever said it would come naturally. In fact, Scripture says the opposite on both parts. When one follows Christ there will be hardships and there will be isolation. But with God there never is true isolation. With God our burdens become His when we rely on Him alone.

So today, with that in mind, I enjoyed the quietness of the hallway. It was refreshing to my spirit as I sat there on the cold floor. And I loved it.

Lonely out of necessity.
Lonely out of desire.
Lonely to keep me pure.
Lonely to keep me right

Flittery thoughts

I won't lie. This winter has been rough. Between the isolation and the cold my depression hasn't been managed completely this winter. Some days are rougher than others. Some days are wonderful. It's those wonderful days that I cherish. 

When I get down or when I have a lot on my mind I tend to write poems. I'm not the best poet but at least it clears my mind. I thought I would like to share one of those poems here. 


Flittery Thoughts

Oh, the things that go through my mind. 
Sometimes they make me crazy. 
Sometimes they keep me sane.

Little do I know what will pop up next. 
Flitter here and there, erupting without notice.
It's up to me to control them. 
Oh they wiggle and squirm, the play hide and seek 
Just to keep me from stopping them.

I need to enlist - 
One that is bigger, stronger and more focused than I. 

My God is bigger. 
My God is smarter. 
My God is more discerning. 

These wiggly, flittery thoughts run and hide till another day.
They are smart, they know whose boss. 
They know when the big guns are out.
 
I am weak but in His strength can I rely. 
That makes me smart too.