thing is

thing is so many things are on my mind.

I'm gonna be 40 this year, in Nov. I'm lost my real mom, my real dad, my foster mom, my grandfather-in-law, and my father-in-law already. I never knew my grandparents in my real home nor my foster home. I barely knew my aunts and uncles in those homes either. I would like to say I am too young to have all this death upon me, but I'm not I'm afraid.

Years ago, I was deeply hurt by someone. That person had no idea they hurt me, let alone hurt me so deeply. I'm sure if they did they would have been horrified as it was not their nature, nor their intent. But I was hurt nonetheless.

Being a foster kid you grow up not really knowing where you fit in in life. Yes, I was blessed beyond measure to have the foster family I did have. I was raised, lovingly, by the same couple for 14 years. It was a Christian household. I was blessed. VERY BLESSED.

Growing up in a foster family, despite it being a wonderful home, I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. My real mom gave me up, willingly. My real dad did not stop her. I was torn from my siblings, left not seeing them hardly at all.When other foster kids in this home moved out most contact was lost. I was never sure why or who's fault it was. I was feeling that maybe that would happen to me when I moved out. Again, I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting, half expecting, life to get worse.

Despite all that I had and all that I was given, deep inside me I was hurting. I guess I still am. When someone whom you love deeply tells you something so hurtful, even if it is due to a deteriorating medically issue, it is very, very hurtful.

I'm sorry I lost so many years over something so stupid. Had I just known. Had someone told me her condition,. I can't go back, I must go forward. My life is not here for others to determine my worth. God has done that already. Only he can determine my worth and He did so upon that cross. I just pray that others can see that too.

I was a brat growing up. I was a bit self-righteous, very pig-headed, and maybe snobby. I was hurt by so many people that I wasn't sure what it was like not to feel hurt. Maybe that is why I was always expecting to have the other shoe drop and my life to be turned upside down again. Maybe that is why I believed the hurtful words. Maybe means nothing in the long run though.

I'm an adult now. I'm different then that stupid lil kid and arrogant teenager. I have learned a lot since those years so long ago. I have been hurt deeply and have been able to get over it. I have been treated rudely and been able to get past it. God has healed me from a lot of hurt. He has physically healed my body from the abuse and healed my mind from the memories. He has healed my soul by showing how much He cares for me. But, just like when I was a kid, I get hurt still. God has my hand in His right now for I have no other place to put it. He is guiding me as to what to do and what to think. He is holding His hand over my mouth keeping me from saying things I'll regret. He is whispering for me to be calm.

Right now I'm hurt by three people. I need to let that hurt melt away. I know my intentions. I think I know their intentions. I know what I am doing and I know how I should behave. Giving it to God is my only choice really. Why do I hold on to it though? Because I am human.

~~ God, you know my hurt. You know my thoughts and my feelings. I chose not to give into those feelings. I chose to give them to you instead. Heal me Lord. Heal my hurt, my anger, my frustrations.  ~~

I lost all those years with my mom but I know she has forgiven me as that is they type of person she was. She was lovely in so many ways.

Mom, you are truly missed by so many people down here on Earth. You are loved and cherished and held tightly in our hearts. I love you. I'm glad you never gave up on me and always loved me despite how things turned out.

Dance the night away and play that organ music for the angels. While you're there, mom, give Jesus a hug for me. <3 rip